Poem-"Snow Deer"

February 21, 2006


Here is a poem that I wrote for The NoteBored’s poetry challenge. I really hadn’t written any poetry since 10th grade. But I saw the trigger and I came up with a little something. I picked the “vivid memory” trigger. When I was young, I had a dream of a deer made out of snow in my neighbor’s yard. In the my dream the deer awoke and had flaming red eyes and the next thing I knew it was chasing my friend and neighbor around and around her house. The dream scared me because of the intense red eyes. It defiantly left an impression as I have never forgotten it. Since, I have no thoughts of getting it published; I am posting it here for you to read. This was my second attempt in the Poetry Challenge. I’ll have to post my first attempt another day.

Poem Trigger: Write a poem using any or all of the following triggers: some kind of change, a memorable scent, and/or a vivid memory

6 Entries

"Snow Deer"

In the wintry night I sleep;
Prayed the Lord, my soul to keep.
In my sleep I saw a deer;
The image was crystal clear.

The deer was made of snow;
How it’s crimson, red eyes glowed!
The snow deer rose like a mouse;
And chased my friend around her house.

Crits:
Member 1, August 25, 2005
This was cute. It made me chuckle when I read it, especially the last line. Some of the meter was a touch off but it could be fixed very easily.
Quote:
The deer was made of snow
needs one more syllable and
Quote:
and chase my friend around her house
has eight syllables instead of seven but the "and" at the beginning is kind of a pickup, like in music, so it still flows nicely. I think you did a great job. Thank you for sharing.

Member 2, August 26, 2005
A quick, quirky little dream image--I would've liked to see you stay and have some more fun with it. There's a creepy kind of hilarity to it that I thought you could've done a lot with, but some dreams are just an odd little whiff.

Member 3, August 26, 2005
Good job! In twelfth grade, we had the chance to write a sonnet for extra credit, and I remember sitting there going, "How can I take out three syllables from thus stupid line??"! lol! Very hard to do, and you did such a cute job!

Member 4, August 26, 2005
I like this one. It's simple, and fanciful. It makes sense to me, like a dream would make sense while I'm dreaming (most of the time, at least). On second thought, it seems vaguely prophetic, like a mysterious omen of things to come. But reading it as it is, it's still enjoyable. I imagine that doesn't help you much, but I like it and can't find much to say about it, except for the strangeness of picturing a deer rising like a mouse. I'm not sure how a mouse rises.

Member 5, August 27, 2005
This was very cute! I loved the image of glowing red eyes. But it sent me confusing signals. Let me try to explain. There was almost a sinister feeling to this, but the bounce of the rhyme sorta balanced against it. I ended up feeling as though I do when watching a scary movie and someone tells a joke to lighten up the mood. The sinister element is still there, but now buried a tad, and out of reach to talk about, because everyone’s laughing now at the joke and the moment has passed. That's the way this poem made me feel. Why were the eyes red, why was she being chased? There is tension there... but the rhyme, forcing the deer to rhyme with house and giving it the aspect of a mouse, diminished the size of the deer in my mind... lessening the fear and turning it, rather, into a joke. Did that make sense?

Votes:
0 for Best Flow
0 for Best Imagery
0 for Best Overall