Story-"Not Ready"

March 18, 2006


My fifth timed flash challenge at Liberty Hall had a picture for a trigger. I struggle with picture triggers because I try to right about the picture and not use the picture to spawn a new idea. The picture for this challenge was a girl on bike with training wheels. The bike was on top of a rollercoaster hill. This is what I wrote for my fifth flash challenge and my comments I received. Oh yeah, I didn’t get any votes on this one. Of course, I knew I did a big writing no-no. I’ll let you see if you can find it as you read. If not, don’t worries you will find my big no-no in the comments the follow.



"Not Ready"


Jenna found herself with a gag in her mouth and something covering her eyes. She tried to shout, but the gag was too muffling. She attempted to remove the blindfold, but found her hands were tied behind her back. All she could do was lay there, wherever there was, and wait for her capturers to return. A moment later she felt a shift forward, wherever she was, it was moving.

There was a sudden stop and an object slid into Jenna’s back. She heard car doors close and voices from two men. Then she heard a door close to her open and she was grabbed by the foot and dragged toward the door. She tried to kick and scream, but it was futile. She was then swung up and she felt something bone against her gut. Jenna heard the second man pulling something out of the door and then the two men started walking.

When the blindfold came off, Jenna couldn’t believe what she saw. She was on a rollercoaster and on the track was her pink and purple bike! The man with the dusty colored hair cut her ropes off.

“I’m going to take the gag off. You better not scream. Do you understand?” he showed Jenna a gun. Jenna nodded and the gag was removed. “Get on!”

Jenna nervously got on the bike. The man joined his buddy in the rollercoaster. “Get moving girl!” Jenna started to push forward on her pedals and the bike started its forward motion.

Jenna made it a few yards and thought about jumping off her bike and climbing down the wooden trellis to safety, but then she heard a creaking sound. She glanced back over her right shoulder and saw that the rollercoaster was moving. She started to peddle faster and faster. When she stole a backward glace she saw the two men laughing at her. She peddled faster and faster, but the rollercoaster was catching up. She had no time to jump off her bike and to start climbing. Her heart raced ahead of her not constricted by her slow six-year-old legs.

Jenna went faster and faster, as fast she could go and then it happened. Jenna’s feet slipped off the peddles and she was looking down one of the big plunges! The peddles spun chaotically and she could not get her feet back on them. The bike was out of control as it headed down the plunge and the rollercoaster was only two yards away! Despite the training wheels, which her dad was going to take off tomorrow, Jenna felt her bike begin to tip over. She was falling.....

Jenna bolted up and realized that it had all been a dream. No, a nightmare. _I think I’ll tell Dad to keep the training wheels on a bit longer._ She comforted herself. Then she laid back down staring at the ceiling waiting for a peaceful sleep to claim her.

Crits:

Member 1, May 23, 2005
A few things to consider:

Most readers hate stories that resolve to show it was all a dream, not real. And dreams are weird things; they don't conform to linear reality, usually. Odd things show up for no apparent reason at all. Like, you could be driving down a country road and suddenly your in an airplane. Why? I don't know, but that's what dreams do. So, if you are going for the dream tale, then you have to give the reader clues along the way that's it's all a dream. Otherwise, we'll feel cheated, possibly.

A usage nit on the word "capturers." Completely legit word that no one ever uses. Consider using the more common "captors," as we will not wonder while reading if "capturer" is actually word. (I had to look it up because it shocked me so.)

Quote:

Her heart raced ahead of her not constricted by her slow six-year-old legs.


There has to be a better way of telling us that Jenna is only six without conveniently info-dumping it like in the above quoted section. We should also know it much sooner. Before then, I had no idea how old she was, except for the part about her bike. I knew then she was too young to drive (possibly), but I had no clue how old she was until this sentence. There are lots of ways to divulge the age without actually just saying "her six-year-old legs." For example: Jenna thought she was going to die. But she was only six! She hadn't even lived yet...

That's rough, but it gets my point across.

Good luck.


Member 2, May 23, 2005
Ditto on the dream stuff. The odd thing was that, even though this was not surrealistic, I guessed ahead of time that it might be a dream. As soon as her bike was on the rollercoaster. I mean, this was such a strange thing that it could hardly be taken seriously; hence, a dream. I didn't KNOW it was a dream, but add to the usual disappointment of dream endings the fact that it didn't even take me by surprise.

My expectation that it would be a dream was the only thing that let me get past the fact that, after pedaling for a while, she suddenly finds herself about to go down one of the big drops. How the heck could she pedal UP there in the first place? But in a dream . . . .

Aside from that, I enjoyed reading it.


Member 3, May 23, 2005
There seemed to be an awful lot of description at the beginning about bumping around and things pressing into her. We never get told what those things are and they never show up later, so what was the point?

I can find absolutely no reason for anyone to do that to a little girl, even just cruelty. For one thing, having access to a major coaster like that. For another, expecting her to ride to the top under her own power. They're designed to be steep. Then having the coaster take a while to catch up. On many coasters, the entire ride is only about 30 seconds, and most are not longer than a minute or two.

Your entire premise was totally unbelievable to me. And I agree that the ending felt like a cheat.

On the positive side, I had very vivid images of exactly what was happening.

One thing that might redeem this story a bit, or not: have her find bruises on her sides when she wakes up, from where she was slammed into things.


Member 4, May 23, 2005
I liked the action of this a lot; it was ridiculous but compelling, and I was really curious to find out why these guys were doing this. I was deeply disappointed and felt cheated when I reached the ending; it felt like a total cop-out. I also think you could hint at her age earlier; yoiu didn't tell us she was 6 until halfway through. Somehow I thought she was an adult in the opening.


Member 5, May 23, 2005
You could have left off the whole last paragraph and it would have worked better for me.


Member 6, May 23, 2005
Argh! NO dream! No dream!

Sorry, but I hate the "It was all a dream." It's just cheap.

I was going to comment on the believability and wonder why kidnappers (or anyone else) would do something like this but then she woke up.


Member 7, May 23, 2005
Didn't care for the "It's all a dream" ending. Wasn't too hooked by the rest -- too bizarre a setup with the kidnapping. Why would anybody do that? Too realistic for a dream and not realistic enough to be real.


Member 8, May 24, 2005
Nooooooooooo.

I wrote you loads of great constructive criticism that would have turned you into a fantastic writer, make you rich and famous and get you loads of sex. Unfortunately though I just woke up and it was all a dream!


Member 9, May 25, 2005
Hate the dream sequence. Didn't like that there was no apparent motive for her kidnapping up until the dream reveal. Also, I'm willing to bet the pedals moved, not chaotically, but with a specific frequency (even if it was varying).


Votes:
0 for Best Ressolution
0 for Best Voice
0 for Best Flash


A week or so later, I took my story that I liked and gave it a polish and posted on NoteBored. I was hoping to send it out, but after getting comments on it again, I don’t think it is publishable. So, I will let you read it was well, so you can see the second step of writing—the revising step. Below is what I posted to the Flash/Short Story forum for members to read and comment on.

I am looking forward to sending this out to be published. Please let me know what you think. My crits consisted of: "Noooo, No Dreams," the readers felt cheated by the end, and the dream was to real to be a dream, but not real enough to be real. Did I fix these problems? (Yes, I know its still a dream, but now there is a lead in. Does that make it ok?)

"Not Ready"

Jenna’s dad carried her up the stairs and placed her on her bed. “Did you have fun at the amusement park?”

“Yes, Daddy,” Jenna yawned. “When can I ride the big roller coaster?”

“Next year when you turn seven, Sweetie.” Her dad pulled the blankets up and tucked them under Jenna’s chin. “Don’t forget that tomorrow I’m going to take the training wheels off.”

“Oh yeah,” was the murmured response. “Daddy, will they find that girl?”

“What girl, Sweetie?”

“The one in the news that’s missing?”

“Oh, Sweetie, don’t worry about that. I’m sure she’s fine,” her dad tried to assure her.

Her dad kissed her on the cheek and walked out of the room turning off the lights. In a matter of moments, Jenna was sound a sleep.

Jenna found herself with a gag in her mouth and something covering her eyes. She tried to shout, but the gag was too muffling. She attempted to remove the blindfold, but found her hands were tied behind her back. All she could do was lay there, wherever there was, and wait for her captors to return. A moment later she felt a shift forward, wherever she was, it was moving.

There was a sudden stop and Jenna’s bike slide into her back. She quickly moved the bike back so the pedal could not press into her side. She could see that she was in the back of a large van. She heard car doors close and voices from two men. Then the back door opened and she was grabbed by the foot and dragged toward the door. She tried to kick and scream, but it was futile. A man, who reminder her of her cousin, then swung her up so she gut rested on his shoulder. Jenna heard the second man pulling her bike out of the door and then the two men started walking.

When the blindfold came off, Jenna couldn’t believe what she saw. She was on a roller coaster ride and on the track was her pink and purple bike! A man, who reminded her of her uncle, cut the ropes off.

“I’m going to take the gag off. You better not scream. Do you understand?” he showed Jenna a water gun. Jenna nodded and the gag was removed. “Get on!”

Jenna nervously got on the bike. The man joined his buddy and the shepherd dog in the roller coaster car. “Want to see mommy and daddy again, get moving!” Jenna started to push forward on her pedals and the bike started its forward motion.

Jenna made it a few yards and thought about jumping off her bike and climbing down the wooden trellis to safety, but then she heard a creaking sound. She glanced back over her right shoulder and saw that the roller coaster cars were moving. She started to pedal faster and faster. When she stole a backward glace she saw three men laughing at her. She pedaled faster and faster, but the roller coaster cars were catching up. She had no time to jump off her bike and to start climbing. Her heart raced ahead of her not constricted by her slow six-year-old legs.

Jenna went faster and faster, as fast she could go and then it happened. Jenna’s feet slipped off the pedals and she was looking down one of the big plunges! The pedals spun chaotically and she could not get her feet back on them. The bike was out of control as it headed down the plunge and the roller coaster cars were only two yards away! Despite the training wheels, which her dad was going to take off tomorrow, Jenna felt her bike begin to tip over. She was falling and something hit her.....

Jenna bolted up, with the cat lying on her legs, and realized that it had all been a dream. No, a nightmare. _I think I’ll tell Dad to keep the training wheels on a bit longer._ She comforted herself. Then she laid back down staring at the ceiling waiting for a peaceful sleep to claim her.

Crits:

Member 1, May 29, 2005
I read this over at LH, so my comments will mostly be about what you changed or maybe what I didn't notice before. Now that we know for sure that it's a dream, though, it takes away a lot of the suspense. I might suggest ditching the dream altogether, because it doesn't make a lot of sense in a lot of respects. Why are her family members the ones abducting her? The inclusion of bike doesn't seem to hold much meaning, besides being a product of the trigger. Dreams usually show something, so make stronger connections between Jenna and her dreams.

Quote:

Jenna’s dad carried her up the stairs and placed her on her bed. “Did you have fun at the amusement park?”

“Yes, Daddy,” Jenna yawned. Jenna said with a yawn? “When can I ride the big roller coaster?”

“Next year when you turn seven, Sweetie.” Her dad pulled the blankets up and tucked them under Jenna’s chin. “Maybe then you'll be tall enough to ride. Don’t forget that tomorrow I’m going to take the training wheels off.”

“Oh yeah,” was the murmured response. It's best just to say "Jenna said" or "Daddy said". I read somewhere (reliable, I hope) that it's always best just to say "said", because the atmosphere and details leading up to that should dictate what the reader imagines their physical and vocal traits are. I don't always follow the rule by the letter, but I think in this case it works better. “Daddy, will they find that girl?”

“What girl, Sweetie?”

“The one in the news that’s missing?(.)”

“Oh, Sweetie, don’t worry about that. I’m sure she’s fine,” her dad tried to assure her. Even though it's not something authors as a whole follow, it's another rule that "he said"s should come after the first line of a dialogue, if you're going to have them at all.

Her dad kissed her on the cheek and walked out of the room(,) turning off the lights. In a matter of moments, Jenna was sound a [seperate] sleep.

Jenna found herself with a gag in her mouth and something covering her eyes. She tried to shout, but the gag was too muffling. She attempted to remove the blindfold, but found her hands were tied behind her back. All she could do was lay there, wherever there was, and wait for her captors to return. A moment later she felt a shift forward{,} (;}wherever she was, it was moving.

There was a sudden stop and Jenna’s bike slide into her back. She wouldn't know it's her bike if she's blindfolded. She quickly moved the bike back so the pedal could not press into her side. She could see that she was in the back of a large van. She heard car doors close and voices from two men. Then the back door opened and she was grabbed by the foot and dragged toward the door. She tried to kick and scream, but it was futile. A man, who reminder her of her cousin, then swung her up so she gut rested on his shoulder. Jenna heard the second man pulling her bike out of the door and then the two men started walking.

When the blindfold came off, Jenna couldn’t believe what she saw. She was on a roller coaster ride and on the track was her pink and purple bike! A man, who reminded her of her uncle, cut the ropes off.

“I’m going to take the gag off. You better not scream. Do you understand?” he showed Jenna a water gun. Kinda anticlimactic. Take away the water gun. Jenna nodded and the gag was removed. “Get on!” This (water gun) is partly why I suggest making it not a dream, and instead have her return to her father somehow. It will be longer that way, but I think it would take away a lot of the problems that are hard to fix here.

Jenna nervously got on the bike. The man joined his buddy and the shepherd dog in the roller coaster car. “Want to see mommy and daddy again, get moving!” Jenna started to push forward on her pedals and the bike started its forward motion.

Jenna made it a few yards and thought about jumping off her bike and climbing down the wooden trellis to safety, but then she heard a creaking sound. She glanced back over her right shoulder and saw that the roller coaster cars were moving. She started to pedal faster and faster. When she stole a backward glace she saw three men laughing at her. She pedaled faster and faster, but the roller coaster cars were catching up. She had no time to jump off her bike and to start climbing. Her heart raced ahead of her not constricted by her slow six-year-old legs.

Jenna went faster and faster, as fast she could go and then it happened. Jenna’s feet slipped off the pedals and she was looking down one of the big plunges! The pedals spun chaotically and she could not get her feet back on them. The bike was out of control as it headed down the plunge and the roller coaster cars were only two yards away! A six-year old generally wouldn't think of things in measurements. Probably more like something along the lines of "The bike shook out of control beneath her as it dipped into the plunge, and yet the coaster cars were coming closer by the second." Despite the training wheels, which her dad was going to take off tomorrow, Jenna felt her bike begin to tip over. She was falling and something hit her..... Actually, maybe you should have the training wheels save her. That gives the line you have later more meaning.

Jenna bolted up, with the cat lying on her legs, and realized that it had all been a dream. No, a nightmare. _I think I’ll tell Dad to keep the training wheels on a bit longer._ She comforted herself with the thought. Then she laid back down staring at the ceiling waiting for a peaceful sleep to claim her and stared at the ceiling, waiting for a peaceful sleep to claim her.


I hope that helps.


Joy, May 30, 2005
Thanks [Member 1], you made some very good remarks.

A couple of qustions if I may?
Was it clear that the little girl was afraid to have the training wheels removed?
How could I make it more clear?

Thanks.


Member 1, June 1, 2005
Afraid? You mean at throughout the story, or just at the end? I got that she was hesitant at the end, but prior to that I got the impression that she was eager to have them off. If you want to make it clear that she's afraid to have them taken off, you could just jump a little into her shoes and say something like,

"...Don't forget that tomorrow I'm going to take the training wheels off."

"Oh yeah," Jenna said, and fell silent. The very thought made her squirm. But she had been putting it off for weeks. You have to face your fears sometime, she reminded herself, albeit a bit unsurely. Daddy's words. Everything would be all right with Daddy there; she was promised.

Member 2, June 2, 2005
Joy, I like the part you added to this but I am still having alot of trouble with that dream. Why is it there? Is it going to help find the missing child, warn her about a danger from her uncle. If it is just a dream about her training wheels it really feels out of place
This story isn't complete. Ask your self "what do you want this story to tell us." in other words tell me the story in two sentences and then see if that is the story that is here.
The style is good, it just needs focus