Story-"Diamond"

March 31, 2006


This was the fourth timed flash that I did at Liberty Hall. The tigger was a picture of a dog with his nose sniffing a tetherball. There were 30 stories submitted and they were divided into three groups of ten.


"Diamond"



“Diamond, one more time.”

I picked up the tetherball, raised it above my head, and gave it a mighty swing. As the ball approached Diamond’s side, she squatted down and then leaped up into the air hitting the ball with her nose. The ball turned about and started for me, I hit it and it went back toward Diamond’s side. After seven minutes of play, I lost.

I leaned over and whispered, “Good girl, good girl,” into her ear and give her a treat. She waged her tail and licked me on the check.

The next day I woke up early to take Diamond on her morning run. Staying the “Dog Tetherball Champion” took a lot of work. Diamond and I would run in the morning and the evening. We would also practice with the tetherball in our back yard four times a day. Of course I had her on the best dog diet around and she had bi-monthly trips to the vet.

After Diamond won the National Championship, the people of the town stopped referring to her as a mutt and started to treat her like the royalty I knew she was. That was seven months ago and I have continued Diamond’s training in hopes of retaining her title.

#

Two months later I entered the house concerned. “Mom, something’s wrong with Diamond.”

“Why do you say that?”

“She seems lazy.”

“Bridget, that dog is anything but lazy. You won’t give her the chance to be.” I noticed a faint smile on Mom’s lips.

“Oh, Mom,” I moaned. “She loves the running that the playing. Well, at least she used to.”

“I’ll call the vet and see what he says, ok?”

The next day after school we took my best friend to the vet. “I don’t see anything wrong. She is getting a little older. Why don’t you try this new food and let’s see how she is doing in a couple of weeks,” Vet Brown answered.

So home we went with the new food and new hopes. I didn’t train Diamond after the check up; I decided she could use a day of rest. But we were right at it in the morning.

A week and half had swiftly gone by, but I didn’t see any improvement in Diamond. She just seemed fatigued all the time. Instead of running beside my heels, she now ran four passes behind. I also noticed her lack of interest in the tetherball. She loved the tetherball. Mom would tell me that Diamond would push it around while I was at school. But now she looked like she’d rather be sleeping then soaring into the air after the ball.

“No change, uh? Let’s try giving her some vitamins,” Vet Brown stated on our two week check up.

Diamond jumped into the back seat of the car and Mom drove us back home. I skipped training and went to my room to work on my research paper.

Two weeks later I asked, “Mom is it just me or has Diamond put on weight?”

She looked at Diamond, “I don’t think so. I don’t know how she could with all the training she does.”

“Yah, I guess so,” I muttered and walked out the kitchen door into the back yard with Diamond at my side.

We walked toward the tetherball; I raised it up and swung it around. Diamond looked at it and as it approached her she gave a half hearted leap and the ball went limp. I swung it again and once again only a half hearted leap and a limp ball. I walked over and knelt down beside my best friend. “Oh, Diamond. What is it girl? The National Championship is in two months. You have won ten games and have qualified to go. Just what’s the matter with you?”

Diamond only stared at me with her big brown eyes and gave her tail a slight wag.

#

“Diamond! Diamond!” I yelled as a entered the house. She always met me at the door, but today she was not there. “Mom! Mom!” But my mom didn’t answer me either.

I walked into the kitchen and there I noticed it. There was a note on the kitchen table. I picked it up and it informed me that Diamond was at the vet and that my neighbor would take me there. “The vet!” I yelled out loud.

I raced to my neighbor’s with my heart pounding. She took me to the vet’s office and I had the door ajar before the car stopped. When it was stopped I jumped out and ran into the office.

After spotting my mom, I ran toward her, “What’s wrong? Is Diamond ok? What happened? Is she...”

“Hold on there, Bridget. Diamond is fine. We know why Diamond was not herself and why she was gaining weight. Bridget, Diamond is a proud mother of seven!”

“Mother? Puppies? You mean Diamond had puppies?”

“Yes.”

“But how? We never had her breed.”

“Oh, I should have told you. One day about two months ago, I let Diamond out in the yard. I was really busy cleaning the house for Dad’s big dinner party. When I remembered to check on her, I noticed that she was all dirty. I was just happy she was back and let her in the house. Later I went out and filled up the hole.”

“Wow, puppies. I guess there will be no more tetherball. Well, at least for awhile,” I stated with a huge smile on my lips. “Puppies!”


Crits:

Member 1, May 16, 2005

I had a hard time getting into this story. The hook just didn't draw me in. Another difficulty was the viewpoint character. At the beginning she seemed like an adult, based upon the details of the training regimen in the first part. But suddenly, the Mom appears in part two, and the PVC's age starts to rapidly diminish. I saw the puppy result long before any of the characters did, only because that story idea has been used so frequently. That a dog under so thorough a training regimen would just casually be let outside while in season seems quite implausible to me. Otherwise, the story does flow reasonably well and builds up dramatic tension nicely, I just didn't find the material very interesting. In summary, good mechanics, weak content.



Member 2, May 16, 2005

A Member Wrote:
Diamond

“Oh, I should have told you. One day about two months ago, I let Diamond out in the yard. I was really busy cleaning the house for Dad’s big dinner party. When I remembered to check on her, I noticed that she was all dirty. I was just happy she was back and let her in the house. Later I went out and filled up the hole.”

I didn't get this at all. Are there other dogs in their back yard? Or did a male dog jump the fence, then jump it again after his business was done? Or is there no fence in the yard, so other dogs can come and go freely?

And pretty much all of Member 1's sentiments.



Member 3, May 16, 2005

Yey. Congrats to Diamond.
May your litter be full.

I liked this.
I was concerned that it was going to be a sad ending and that Diamond had either gotten old or fatally ill.
It was a nice happy ending after all though.

Perhaps a bit lengthy. Maybe could have been cut down in size to make for better flash size (pot, kettle, black comes to mind).



Member 4, May 16, 2005

I have got to start critiquing these things earlier! I do have to agree with above comments-when I was reading I too thought that she was an adult with all the training that the dog was going through, the special diets, the championships, etc. Then mom shows up in the next scene, jars me out of the PoV, and I have to assume that the girl is younger. At first I thought maybe it was an adult living with her mother and then school was brought up so that brought the age down.



Member 5, May 16, 2005

I had some problems with the POV of the story. It took me a while to realize who's POV I was reading.



Member 6, May 16, 2005

I'm with Member 1. Not much else to add.



Member 7, May 16, 2005

I found it hard to believe that a dog in competion like this hadn't been fixed. Also hard that she went to the vet that many times without him realizing she was pregnant, (get a new vet)

Except for the worrry about Diamonds health the story had little plot and pregnant was my first guess.



Member 8, May 16, 2005

I didn't have a problem with the narrator's age, but I thought she was male until her mom called her Bridget. Ditto everyone on all the pregnancy issues. Also, I noticed a couple of uses of past-perfect (or even present perfect) where straight past tense would have been appropriate, and they jarred a bit--but that's the kind of thing that's easy to get by the writer in a flash situation like this. Otherwise, fairly well told.



Member 9, May 17, 2004

umm...I don't mean to be mean or discriminating, but the whole plot is instantly predictable because of its "cliche" factor. "Oh no, Mom, the dog's not doing so well!" "Oh my gosh, it was babies all along!" It wasn't a bad story, just...well, cursed by its plot line.

Quote:
“Diamond! Diamond!” I yelled as a entered the house. She always met me at the door, but today she was not there. “Mom! Mom!” But my mom didn’t answer me either.

Here I pictured her as urgent when you said she was yelling, "Diamond! Diamond!" With the exclamation points and the "yelled", it just came off a bit strong for me. Maybe try replacing some words, or adding some to lend her actions a casuality (ugh, i'm horrible at wording things). Like, "...Diamond!' I yelled as I entered the house, tossing my backpack limply onto the couch..."



Member 10, May 17, 2005

As soon as the dog got sick, I got worried. But then that just went on and on, so I became confident that there was going to be a happy ending, not a sad one, so obviously she was pregnant. I'm glad Diamond is ok.

I thought the paragraphs explaining how D. got pregnant were unnecessary and read like an info dump; I'd just end it with the revelation about the puppies.

As some people above have mentioned, the POV character in the opening sounded adult, and this family seriously needs a competant vet.


Votes:

1 for Best Hook

0 for Best Dialogue

0 for Best Overall