Saturday, April 22, 2006

Another One Year Anniversary

Another one year anniversary celebration! Today marks my first completed year of membership at Liberty Hall. I have written 13 stories there this past year and have revised four of them. You will find three of my flash stories posted below: "The Note so Wise Oracle," "Not Ready", and "Diamond."

Friday, April 21, 2006

I might get my own column!

A couple of days ago Dan received at PM (Private Message) at The NoteBored from one of the members there. She has been working with The Sword Review magazine, which is primary Christian Fantasy. However, they are starting up another magazine that will be both online and in print, called Haruah. This magazine is for Christian literature.

Anyway, Pixydust (as I know her at The NoteBored) asked Dan and me if we would be interested in writing a column for their new magazine. I wasn’t sure what to write about. Then I though about doing a column on missionary books, or books about missionaries. We asked Pixydust what she thought and she liked the idea.

I have PM’d with Pixydust back and forth and found out that a column is 500 words or less and that it will only be online, not in the print version. Since I am such a terribly slow reader and I have so many other things to do, I asked her if I could do a bi-monthly column (only post one every-other-month). She told me that would be fine.

I told her that I would write some thing up and send it to her. I told her that I wanted her to see what my style and layout is before she makes things final. I’m excited and scared about doing this. I have never done this before. I was surprised that she asked me to do it, since I’m not published. She said that she can tell that Dan and I are dedicated Christians and she knows our hearts.

So, I might have my first publication in the next month. I’ll let you know if I get officially in.

Though they are currently a non-paying market, I have a couple of stories that I plan on working on and submitting them. It is difficult to find places to submit Christian fiction stories to. In the future they plan on making this a paying market.

To see more information about this new magazine, please click here.

One Year Anniversary!

It’s my one year anniversary! I have been a member of The NoteBored for one year today! I have grown in my writing and made new friends. I can’t express how much I love this writing site and I give a lot of my time to it. I do so want it to grow and help many others.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

BlogExplosion mis-count

I went to bed last night and it dawned on me that I can’t count. In the below post I stated that half of 100 and 100 and 70 was 85. Silly me, I missed an hundred somewhere. I really am bringing in 135 extra views to the NoteBlog.

Friday, April 14, 2006

BlogExplosion

My dear cyber friend, Deanna, has been finding ways to promote her wonderful writing site, The NoteBored. I so love this site that I too promote it where I can. You will find its name and links to it all over this site of mine and my other blog site as well.

Well, Deanna has set up a blog for her writing site and the administrators and moderators of the site have access to make posts to it. She asked for a news anchor and I told her that I would be one, but I didn’t want to be the head one. Well, right now I’m the only one. So, I have made several posts to there as well.

One of her newest ways of promoting The NoteBored and the NoteBlog is by using BlogExplosion. I’m not sure how she set it up, but it’s free. What it does is for every two sites you visit, it brings one visit to your site.

Three days ago, she gave me the password to get into it to see it and I have worked away. On the first and second day I visited over 100 sites. So, we should get 50 visits now on NoteBlog. Today I visited 70, so we should get another 35.

That makes 85 visits that we wouldn’t have had other wise. And it works! Yesterday, I went to NoteBlog to see how many hits we had that day and there were many. I was so excited. Little did I know that I would get more excited.

We had a new member at The NoteBlog, which is nothing that new. I went and welcomed him and gave some information about our site, like I always do—as well, as several of our members. We really are a friendly site and we give good, helpful critiques. If you just want warm, fuzzy comments on your stories, we aren’t the place for you. Our goal is to help each other better our craft and sometimes you have to hear things you don’t want to. That being said, however, we state our comments in a nice way, we don’t tear you down into itzy, bizy pieces.

Anyway, to get back on topic. One of our members asked our newest member how he found out about us (we are always curious in that way). And he told us that he fould us from BlogExplosion! I was ecstatic! I think he came the first day I surfed those 100+ sites and he liked the NoteBlog so much (which I write a lot on) that he came to join us. I feel like I went and found him and brought him into our fold.

The only other person I brought to our fold, is a young teenager from Washington state. I had read some of his stories at a different site I had been working with and I thought they were great stories. Then I found out that the author was a young teen. After a week or so at The NoteBored, I asked Deanna if I could invite him over and she said that I could. And thus I invited and thus he accepted. This guy has made be proud and I truly believe that if he keeps at it, he will be a published writer some day. I hope that he will remember me and send me an autographed book. ;-) Why? Well, he also does the timed flash challenges over at Liberty Hall, when schoolwork allows him. And he actually won the title “Best of the Best” once. My husband has only won twice and I never have. The writers at Liberty Hall (some are the same at The NoteBored) are truly good and several are published. The young man is the youngest doing the timed flashes and he beat published adults!

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Liberty Hall is back!

I’m so sorry for the delay in the great news, but I wanted to make sure you knew. Liberty Hall, is up and running. They came back online on Friday and they are holding their one year anniversary flash challenge. The winner gets his/her story published in Apex Digest. If you love dark stories, then you really should ask for an invitation to Liberty Hall and give the twenty-one stories a read and a vote. Nineteen of them are less than 750 words.

Monday, April 10, 2006

No more transfers

Well, that takes care of all the transfers. These were transferred from my main blog at Joy's Pleasure-A Writer's Journey. For more personal posts about my life and my family, please go there. I am going to keep this one for my writing posts. I have a story I so need to give another polish to and mail out. I have needed to do that since August. Boy, do I move slowly.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Expanding Genres

Arpil 4, 2006


Do you think you can only write one kind of story? Do you love to write, but don’t think you have many ideas?

Well, you my friend need to find a writing site what will help you get ideas and give you critiques to help you grow. I know of two really good ones—NoteBored and Liberty Hall (which died when hacked into, but will revive before the end of the week—fingers crossed).

The little bit of dappling that I have done into writing the past few years have all been in the Christian fiction genre. After one Christian story, I found a Christian writing site to post my story to for feedback. I quickly found out, the hard way that those people just wanted warm, fuzzy crits. When I came around and gave helpful ones to help them grow and gave my true feelings about their stories, they got mad and I left. It took a few months to build up my courage to try another site, but I once again found another Christian site to post the same story. This site had more things to help writers and the some of the crits were of the helping type.

Dan, my husband and a published writer, has also worked at Hatrack. I knew that my stories wouldn’t be welcomed there for they are more of a Sci-Fi site, in fact it is Orson Scott Card’s site. There Dan meet Mike, the owner of Liberty Hall, and followed Mike there. Deanna, the owner of NoteBored, has also spent time at Hatrack and Liberty Hall and then made her own. Dan followed her to her site. After finding out that she is a Christian, Dan asked her if she would mind if I joined the site, though most of my stories were in the Christian fiction genre. She said that would be fine and she had thought of setting up a forum for that genre. Thus my membership at NoteBored. There isn’t a Christian fiction genre there, but that is fine. I truly love this site and it has helped me grow so much.

Since joining NoteBored and Liberty Hall, I have written my first Sci-Fi story (“The Time Magazine”), my first Fantasy (“Aqualynn”), and my first Children’s’ story (“Holly Honeybee”). I would have never written these on my own.

I like to write, but though I had no ideas. But that is the beauty of the flash challenges! They supply you a trigger to get the creative juices flowing and you write a short story about it. Who knows, you might find a novel in your flash story. Sometimes you get this idea and start hammering away on the keyboard, just to find out your story is way too big for flash (a flash piece is to be 1,000 words or less), but that’s ok. Just means you come back to it later and add.

I am working on a polishing my third timed flash challenge at Liberty Hall for the NoteBored Polished Stories Challenge. Why? Well, I got positive comments about my story and my characters, but I also got comments on how to improve the story. You see I really didn’t have a flash idea, my story was too big to fit. But I stayed with in the word limit to make the challenge and now I can add to it—fill in the missing pieces, some of which I didn’t know was missing until I read my feedback.

So if you love to write, you really should look into a writing site that makes you feel at home and one that will give you those comments that are sometimes hard to chew. You will never improve with warm, fuzzy comments—though they grow your ego.

You never know where your imagination will take you, if you will let it.

Cyber Refugees

April 3, 2006

Right now I have cyber writing friends who have become cyber refugees. You see on April 1st, known as April Fool’s Day, Mike’s writing site, “Liberty Hall,” had a very unkind prank played on it. The hosting company was hacked by hackers and Liberty Hall was lost! Right in the middle of a huge competition to celebrate its One Year Anniversary of the timed flash challenges. One of the awards is to get published in a magazine.

This nasty prank has played havoc on people’s stress threads and emotions. There were many people who had their own little forums to place stories for feed back and where they organized their thoughts and layouts for publications. But that is all lost now.

Writers have been working hard on their contest stories, and now there is no place to post them. The magazine reserved a spot of the winner and now there isn’t one.

That is all the sad part of this story. But a lighter part is that these cyber refugees are finding refuge at “The NoteBored.” Many of them were already members there and the others are following. Liberty Hall will be back again and it will grow strong again. These inconsiderate people, won’t stop us. In fact, this has already happened once to the NoteBored, but it is back and strong and better equipped to fight off such non-sense. It has been a busy time at the NoteBored, bringing our lost friends in and making them feel at home. We are already set up for the Liberty Hall contest (which has been postponed a week), in case it is needed. As actors say, “The show must go on.”

But the story gets even brighter. Mike is in the process of finding a more secure home to re-set up Liberty Hall and get it on its feet again. He says that he as found one and that the site should be back up by the end of the week. There is all hope of having the contest at the new Liberty Hall.

I just wished idiots, i.e. hackers, would care about other people. Though they think this is all fun and games, it really isn’t. Innocent people get hurt and valuable things get lost.

I will update my Liberty Hall thread here, when I know the new site.

Story-"Diamond"

March 31, 2006


This was the fourth timed flash that I did at Liberty Hall. The tigger was a picture of a dog with his nose sniffing a tetherball. There were 30 stories submitted and they were divided into three groups of ten.


"Diamond"



“Diamond, one more time.”

I picked up the tetherball, raised it above my head, and gave it a mighty swing. As the ball approached Diamond’s side, she squatted down and then leaped up into the air hitting the ball with her nose. The ball turned about and started for me, I hit it and it went back toward Diamond’s side. After seven minutes of play, I lost.

I leaned over and whispered, “Good girl, good girl,” into her ear and give her a treat. She waged her tail and licked me on the check.

The next day I woke up early to take Diamond on her morning run. Staying the “Dog Tetherball Champion” took a lot of work. Diamond and I would run in the morning and the evening. We would also practice with the tetherball in our back yard four times a day. Of course I had her on the best dog diet around and she had bi-monthly trips to the vet.

After Diamond won the National Championship, the people of the town stopped referring to her as a mutt and started to treat her like the royalty I knew she was. That was seven months ago and I have continued Diamond’s training in hopes of retaining her title.

#

Two months later I entered the house concerned. “Mom, something’s wrong with Diamond.”

“Why do you say that?”

“She seems lazy.”

“Bridget, that dog is anything but lazy. You won’t give her the chance to be.” I noticed a faint smile on Mom’s lips.

“Oh, Mom,” I moaned. “She loves the running that the playing. Well, at least she used to.”

“I’ll call the vet and see what he says, ok?”

The next day after school we took my best friend to the vet. “I don’t see anything wrong. She is getting a little older. Why don’t you try this new food and let’s see how she is doing in a couple of weeks,” Vet Brown answered.

So home we went with the new food and new hopes. I didn’t train Diamond after the check up; I decided she could use a day of rest. But we were right at it in the morning.

A week and half had swiftly gone by, but I didn’t see any improvement in Diamond. She just seemed fatigued all the time. Instead of running beside my heels, she now ran four passes behind. I also noticed her lack of interest in the tetherball. She loved the tetherball. Mom would tell me that Diamond would push it around while I was at school. But now she looked like she’d rather be sleeping then soaring into the air after the ball.

“No change, uh? Let’s try giving her some vitamins,” Vet Brown stated on our two week check up.

Diamond jumped into the back seat of the car and Mom drove us back home. I skipped training and went to my room to work on my research paper.

Two weeks later I asked, “Mom is it just me or has Diamond put on weight?”

She looked at Diamond, “I don’t think so. I don’t know how she could with all the training she does.”

“Yah, I guess so,” I muttered and walked out the kitchen door into the back yard with Diamond at my side.

We walked toward the tetherball; I raised it up and swung it around. Diamond looked at it and as it approached her she gave a half hearted leap and the ball went limp. I swung it again and once again only a half hearted leap and a limp ball. I walked over and knelt down beside my best friend. “Oh, Diamond. What is it girl? The National Championship is in two months. You have won ten games and have qualified to go. Just what’s the matter with you?”

Diamond only stared at me with her big brown eyes and gave her tail a slight wag.

#

“Diamond! Diamond!” I yelled as a entered the house. She always met me at the door, but today she was not there. “Mom! Mom!” But my mom didn’t answer me either.

I walked into the kitchen and there I noticed it. There was a note on the kitchen table. I picked it up and it informed me that Diamond was at the vet and that my neighbor would take me there. “The vet!” I yelled out loud.

I raced to my neighbor’s with my heart pounding. She took me to the vet’s office and I had the door ajar before the car stopped. When it was stopped I jumped out and ran into the office.

After spotting my mom, I ran toward her, “What’s wrong? Is Diamond ok? What happened? Is she...”

“Hold on there, Bridget. Diamond is fine. We know why Diamond was not herself and why she was gaining weight. Bridget, Diamond is a proud mother of seven!”

“Mother? Puppies? You mean Diamond had puppies?”

“Yes.”

“But how? We never had her breed.”

“Oh, I should have told you. One day about two months ago, I let Diamond out in the yard. I was really busy cleaning the house for Dad’s big dinner party. When I remembered to check on her, I noticed that she was all dirty. I was just happy she was back and let her in the house. Later I went out and filled up the hole.”

“Wow, puppies. I guess there will be no more tetherball. Well, at least for awhile,” I stated with a huge smile on my lips. “Puppies!”


Crits:

Member 1, May 16, 2005

I had a hard time getting into this story. The hook just didn't draw me in. Another difficulty was the viewpoint character. At the beginning she seemed like an adult, based upon the details of the training regimen in the first part. But suddenly, the Mom appears in part two, and the PVC's age starts to rapidly diminish. I saw the puppy result long before any of the characters did, only because that story idea has been used so frequently. That a dog under so thorough a training regimen would just casually be let outside while in season seems quite implausible to me. Otherwise, the story does flow reasonably well and builds up dramatic tension nicely, I just didn't find the material very interesting. In summary, good mechanics, weak content.



Member 2, May 16, 2005

A Member Wrote:
Diamond

“Oh, I should have told you. One day about two months ago, I let Diamond out in the yard. I was really busy cleaning the house for Dad’s big dinner party. When I remembered to check on her, I noticed that she was all dirty. I was just happy she was back and let her in the house. Later I went out and filled up the hole.”

I didn't get this at all. Are there other dogs in their back yard? Or did a male dog jump the fence, then jump it again after his business was done? Or is there no fence in the yard, so other dogs can come and go freely?

And pretty much all of Member 1's sentiments.



Member 3, May 16, 2005

Yey. Congrats to Diamond.
May your litter be full.

I liked this.
I was concerned that it was going to be a sad ending and that Diamond had either gotten old or fatally ill.
It was a nice happy ending after all though.

Perhaps a bit lengthy. Maybe could have been cut down in size to make for better flash size (pot, kettle, black comes to mind).



Member 4, May 16, 2005

I have got to start critiquing these things earlier! I do have to agree with above comments-when I was reading I too thought that she was an adult with all the training that the dog was going through, the special diets, the championships, etc. Then mom shows up in the next scene, jars me out of the PoV, and I have to assume that the girl is younger. At first I thought maybe it was an adult living with her mother and then school was brought up so that brought the age down.



Member 5, May 16, 2005

I had some problems with the POV of the story. It took me a while to realize who's POV I was reading.



Member 6, May 16, 2005

I'm with Member 1. Not much else to add.



Member 7, May 16, 2005

I found it hard to believe that a dog in competion like this hadn't been fixed. Also hard that she went to the vet that many times without him realizing she was pregnant, (get a new vet)

Except for the worrry about Diamonds health the story had little plot and pregnant was my first guess.



Member 8, May 16, 2005

I didn't have a problem with the narrator's age, but I thought she was male until her mom called her Bridget. Ditto everyone on all the pregnancy issues. Also, I noticed a couple of uses of past-perfect (or even present perfect) where straight past tense would have been appropriate, and they jarred a bit--but that's the kind of thing that's easy to get by the writer in a flash situation like this. Otherwise, fairly well told.



Member 9, May 17, 2004

umm...I don't mean to be mean or discriminating, but the whole plot is instantly predictable because of its "cliche" factor. "Oh no, Mom, the dog's not doing so well!" "Oh my gosh, it was babies all along!" It wasn't a bad story, just...well, cursed by its plot line.

Quote:
“Diamond! Diamond!” I yelled as a entered the house. She always met me at the door, but today she was not there. “Mom! Mom!” But my mom didn’t answer me either.

Here I pictured her as urgent when you said she was yelling, "Diamond! Diamond!" With the exclamation points and the "yelled", it just came off a bit strong for me. Maybe try replacing some words, or adding some to lend her actions a casuality (ugh, i'm horrible at wording things). Like, "...Diamond!' I yelled as I entered the house, tossing my backpack limply onto the couch..."



Member 10, May 17, 2005

As soon as the dog got sick, I got worried. But then that just went on and on, so I became confident that there was going to be a happy ending, not a sad one, so obviously she was pregnant. I'm glad Diamond is ok.

I thought the paragraphs explaining how D. got pregnant were unnecessary and read like an info dump; I'd just end it with the revelation about the puppies.

As some people above have mentioned, the POV character in the opening sounded adult, and this family seriously needs a competant vet.


Votes:

1 for Best Hook

0 for Best Dialogue

0 for Best Overall

Anthology of 6th Grade

March 24, 2006


I mentioned in “My Interest in Writing Part 1” about my 6th grade book having a big influence over me. Well, as I went looking through some things in the house, I found my old “Anthology of 6th Grade.” Public schools love to give out fun projects in order to teach their students. Anyway, before I start a rabbit trail on that, one of the projects we did in 6th grade was to make a “book” (a big folder) with writing pieces from every 6th grader. My “book” is half an inch thick. Well, I slimmed through it to find what I had written in 6th grade. Below is what I found in my old “Anthology of 6th Grade” book. I typed them out as I found them—no corrections were made.



“Sue’s Surprise Birthday Party”

Written December 1988

May 12th, 1986

6:45 My alarm went off.

6:50 I was up and dressed.

7:25 Ate breakfast.

7:45 Was ready for school.

8:00 Bus twenty-one came.

8:25 Was at the school ground.

8:30 The bell rang.

8:40 Mr. Kjosa wrote down who was missing.

8:50 Mr. Kjosa told us what was going to happen.

9:00 I went to my high reading group.

10:00 I went to my high math group.

11:00 The whole class went to Mrs. Hanson’s room for English.

12:00 The whole eight grade class went to lunch and lunch recess.

12:15 I thought no one remembered my birthday.

12:40 We came inside.

12:45 We went to Mr. McGuire’s class for social studies.

1:45 We went back to Mr. Kjosa’s from for science.

2:45 Had recess.

3:05 Left for home.

3:10 I got on my bus.

4:10 Got home.

4:20 Opened the door and turned on the lights.

4:22 My mom, dad, and friends jumped out and said, “Surprise!”

4:30 I opened my presents.

4:50 Had pizza and pop.

5:45 Had the birthday cake and ice cream.

6:10 Played games.

6:15 I thought I was a lucky person.

7:25 Put all the games away.

7:35 Watched a movie.

9:35 The movie ended.

10:00 Got ready for bed.

10:30 All ten of us were in bed.

11:30 We were all asleep.

6:45 a.m. My alarm clock went off, bet we reset it.

9:30 The alarm clock went off again. This time we got up.

10:00 We were all dressed.

10:30 Ate breakfast.

11:10 We just played around and had fun.

4:30 p.m. My mom and I took all then of the kids home.



Sue is thirteen years old. She has black hair. On the back of her head she has a ponytail. Her skin is tannish-white. Sue’s eyes are blue as the bright blue sky.


#

We had to write comparisons in January 1989 mine was….The soft snow looks like the foam on the ocean.


#

“How Butterflies Got Colorful Wings”

Written in February 1989



A long time ago butterflies wings were very dull. The only color on their wings was gray. The people didn’t like the butterflies, because of their dull gray wings. Years passed by and the butterflies’ wings were still gray, but the older ones were getting some black on them.

One day Dr. Theodore Bunch was painting his house. While he was painting, some paint fell on a butterfly. The paint stayed on the butterfly. The butterfly loved it because it looked lovely. It went to show the others. The others followed the butterfly that was pretty.

They flew right in t pails of paint. Some went in the yellow, black, white, and orange. When they were done all the butterflies looked very lovely. The people of the small town took pictures of them and everyone loved the colors of the butterflies, thanks to Dr. Theodore Bunch painting his house.


#

Different Poems I wrote in April 1989



Calico cat

had a kitten

so, --

so

tiny, bitty, and

helpless.

tried to make it

nurse, but wouldn’t.

mother rubbed her

little,

helpless kitten.

I cried, wept, and

sobbed.

No more to be.


*

There once was a dumb cat.

He was so very, very fat.

Then sat on a tack,

He had a heart attack.

The cat turned into a mat.

*

Turkeys,

wild and free,

running, eating, sleeping.

They are beautiful animals.

Gobble.

*

The Hare Convention

looks like giant snowballs, freezing

in the cold climate.


#


You know how teachers like to make field trips to be school work? Well, during the trip we had to sit down some where and write what we saw, heard, and felt. This is what I wrote…..



Birds are flying around the creek. They fly up, down, and sideways while the creek flows swiftly downstream. I hear the sounds of running water going over rocks and logs. In some places it’s calm, then it goes faster. Green moss is growing on rocks. The water is cool. Up on the hill are a lot of trees, flowers, bushes, and rocks. I also hear birds chirping happily. Rocks are all over the creek, big ones and little ones. In some places you can see the bottom. On the bottom there are rocks, twigs, mud, little plants, leaves, and sand.

I like to have a lesson in nature. It was lots of fun.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Story-"Not Ready"

March 18, 2006


My fifth timed flash challenge at Liberty Hall had a picture for a trigger. I struggle with picture triggers because I try to right about the picture and not use the picture to spawn a new idea. The picture for this challenge was a girl on bike with training wheels. The bike was on top of a rollercoaster hill. This is what I wrote for my fifth flash challenge and my comments I received. Oh yeah, I didn’t get any votes on this one. Of course, I knew I did a big writing no-no. I’ll let you see if you can find it as you read. If not, don’t worries you will find my big no-no in the comments the follow.



"Not Ready"


Jenna found herself with a gag in her mouth and something covering her eyes. She tried to shout, but the gag was too muffling. She attempted to remove the blindfold, but found her hands were tied behind her back. All she could do was lay there, wherever there was, and wait for her capturers to return. A moment later she felt a shift forward, wherever she was, it was moving.

There was a sudden stop and an object slid into Jenna’s back. She heard car doors close and voices from two men. Then she heard a door close to her open and she was grabbed by the foot and dragged toward the door. She tried to kick and scream, but it was futile. She was then swung up and she felt something bone against her gut. Jenna heard the second man pulling something out of the door and then the two men started walking.

When the blindfold came off, Jenna couldn’t believe what she saw. She was on a rollercoaster and on the track was her pink and purple bike! The man with the dusty colored hair cut her ropes off.

“I’m going to take the gag off. You better not scream. Do you understand?” he showed Jenna a gun. Jenna nodded and the gag was removed. “Get on!”

Jenna nervously got on the bike. The man joined his buddy in the rollercoaster. “Get moving girl!” Jenna started to push forward on her pedals and the bike started its forward motion.

Jenna made it a few yards and thought about jumping off her bike and climbing down the wooden trellis to safety, but then she heard a creaking sound. She glanced back over her right shoulder and saw that the rollercoaster was moving. She started to peddle faster and faster. When she stole a backward glace she saw the two men laughing at her. She peddled faster and faster, but the rollercoaster was catching up. She had no time to jump off her bike and to start climbing. Her heart raced ahead of her not constricted by her slow six-year-old legs.

Jenna went faster and faster, as fast she could go and then it happened. Jenna’s feet slipped off the peddles and she was looking down one of the big plunges! The peddles spun chaotically and she could not get her feet back on them. The bike was out of control as it headed down the plunge and the rollercoaster was only two yards away! Despite the training wheels, which her dad was going to take off tomorrow, Jenna felt her bike begin to tip over. She was falling.....

Jenna bolted up and realized that it had all been a dream. No, a nightmare. _I think I’ll tell Dad to keep the training wheels on a bit longer._ She comforted herself. Then she laid back down staring at the ceiling waiting for a peaceful sleep to claim her.

Crits:

Member 1, May 23, 2005
A few things to consider:

Most readers hate stories that resolve to show it was all a dream, not real. And dreams are weird things; they don't conform to linear reality, usually. Odd things show up for no apparent reason at all. Like, you could be driving down a country road and suddenly your in an airplane. Why? I don't know, but that's what dreams do. So, if you are going for the dream tale, then you have to give the reader clues along the way that's it's all a dream. Otherwise, we'll feel cheated, possibly.

A usage nit on the word "capturers." Completely legit word that no one ever uses. Consider using the more common "captors," as we will not wonder while reading if "capturer" is actually word. (I had to look it up because it shocked me so.)

Quote:

Her heart raced ahead of her not constricted by her slow six-year-old legs.


There has to be a better way of telling us that Jenna is only six without conveniently info-dumping it like in the above quoted section. We should also know it much sooner. Before then, I had no idea how old she was, except for the part about her bike. I knew then she was too young to drive (possibly), but I had no clue how old she was until this sentence. There are lots of ways to divulge the age without actually just saying "her six-year-old legs." For example: Jenna thought she was going to die. But she was only six! She hadn't even lived yet...

That's rough, but it gets my point across.

Good luck.


Member 2, May 23, 2005
Ditto on the dream stuff. The odd thing was that, even though this was not surrealistic, I guessed ahead of time that it might be a dream. As soon as her bike was on the rollercoaster. I mean, this was such a strange thing that it could hardly be taken seriously; hence, a dream. I didn't KNOW it was a dream, but add to the usual disappointment of dream endings the fact that it didn't even take me by surprise.

My expectation that it would be a dream was the only thing that let me get past the fact that, after pedaling for a while, she suddenly finds herself about to go down one of the big drops. How the heck could she pedal UP there in the first place? But in a dream . . . .

Aside from that, I enjoyed reading it.


Member 3, May 23, 2005
There seemed to be an awful lot of description at the beginning about bumping around and things pressing into her. We never get told what those things are and they never show up later, so what was the point?

I can find absolutely no reason for anyone to do that to a little girl, even just cruelty. For one thing, having access to a major coaster like that. For another, expecting her to ride to the top under her own power. They're designed to be steep. Then having the coaster take a while to catch up. On many coasters, the entire ride is only about 30 seconds, and most are not longer than a minute or two.

Your entire premise was totally unbelievable to me. And I agree that the ending felt like a cheat.

On the positive side, I had very vivid images of exactly what was happening.

One thing that might redeem this story a bit, or not: have her find bruises on her sides when she wakes up, from where she was slammed into things.


Member 4, May 23, 2005
I liked the action of this a lot; it was ridiculous but compelling, and I was really curious to find out why these guys were doing this. I was deeply disappointed and felt cheated when I reached the ending; it felt like a total cop-out. I also think you could hint at her age earlier; yoiu didn't tell us she was 6 until halfway through. Somehow I thought she was an adult in the opening.


Member 5, May 23, 2005
You could have left off the whole last paragraph and it would have worked better for me.


Member 6, May 23, 2005
Argh! NO dream! No dream!

Sorry, but I hate the "It was all a dream." It's just cheap.

I was going to comment on the believability and wonder why kidnappers (or anyone else) would do something like this but then she woke up.


Member 7, May 23, 2005
Didn't care for the "It's all a dream" ending. Wasn't too hooked by the rest -- too bizarre a setup with the kidnapping. Why would anybody do that? Too realistic for a dream and not realistic enough to be real.


Member 8, May 24, 2005
Nooooooooooo.

I wrote you loads of great constructive criticism that would have turned you into a fantastic writer, make you rich and famous and get you loads of sex. Unfortunately though I just woke up and it was all a dream!


Member 9, May 25, 2005
Hate the dream sequence. Didn't like that there was no apparent motive for her kidnapping up until the dream reveal. Also, I'm willing to bet the pedals moved, not chaotically, but with a specific frequency (even if it was varying).


Votes:
0 for Best Ressolution
0 for Best Voice
0 for Best Flash


A week or so later, I took my story that I liked and gave it a polish and posted on NoteBored. I was hoping to send it out, but after getting comments on it again, I don’t think it is publishable. So, I will let you read it was well, so you can see the second step of writing—the revising step. Below is what I posted to the Flash/Short Story forum for members to read and comment on.

I am looking forward to sending this out to be published. Please let me know what you think. My crits consisted of: "Noooo, No Dreams," the readers felt cheated by the end, and the dream was to real to be a dream, but not real enough to be real. Did I fix these problems? (Yes, I know its still a dream, but now there is a lead in. Does that make it ok?)

"Not Ready"

Jenna’s dad carried her up the stairs and placed her on her bed. “Did you have fun at the amusement park?”

“Yes, Daddy,” Jenna yawned. “When can I ride the big roller coaster?”

“Next year when you turn seven, Sweetie.” Her dad pulled the blankets up and tucked them under Jenna’s chin. “Don’t forget that tomorrow I’m going to take the training wheels off.”

“Oh yeah,” was the murmured response. “Daddy, will they find that girl?”

“What girl, Sweetie?”

“The one in the news that’s missing?”

“Oh, Sweetie, don’t worry about that. I’m sure she’s fine,” her dad tried to assure her.

Her dad kissed her on the cheek and walked out of the room turning off the lights. In a matter of moments, Jenna was sound a sleep.

Jenna found herself with a gag in her mouth and something covering her eyes. She tried to shout, but the gag was too muffling. She attempted to remove the blindfold, but found her hands were tied behind her back. All she could do was lay there, wherever there was, and wait for her captors to return. A moment later she felt a shift forward, wherever she was, it was moving.

There was a sudden stop and Jenna’s bike slide into her back. She quickly moved the bike back so the pedal could not press into her side. She could see that she was in the back of a large van. She heard car doors close and voices from two men. Then the back door opened and she was grabbed by the foot and dragged toward the door. She tried to kick and scream, but it was futile. A man, who reminder her of her cousin, then swung her up so she gut rested on his shoulder. Jenna heard the second man pulling her bike out of the door and then the two men started walking.

When the blindfold came off, Jenna couldn’t believe what she saw. She was on a roller coaster ride and on the track was her pink and purple bike! A man, who reminded her of her uncle, cut the ropes off.

“I’m going to take the gag off. You better not scream. Do you understand?” he showed Jenna a water gun. Jenna nodded and the gag was removed. “Get on!”

Jenna nervously got on the bike. The man joined his buddy and the shepherd dog in the roller coaster car. “Want to see mommy and daddy again, get moving!” Jenna started to push forward on her pedals and the bike started its forward motion.

Jenna made it a few yards and thought about jumping off her bike and climbing down the wooden trellis to safety, but then she heard a creaking sound. She glanced back over her right shoulder and saw that the roller coaster cars were moving. She started to pedal faster and faster. When she stole a backward glace she saw three men laughing at her. She pedaled faster and faster, but the roller coaster cars were catching up. She had no time to jump off her bike and to start climbing. Her heart raced ahead of her not constricted by her slow six-year-old legs.

Jenna went faster and faster, as fast she could go and then it happened. Jenna’s feet slipped off the pedals and she was looking down one of the big plunges! The pedals spun chaotically and she could not get her feet back on them. The bike was out of control as it headed down the plunge and the roller coaster cars were only two yards away! Despite the training wheels, which her dad was going to take off tomorrow, Jenna felt her bike begin to tip over. She was falling and something hit her.....

Jenna bolted up, with the cat lying on her legs, and realized that it had all been a dream. No, a nightmare. _I think I’ll tell Dad to keep the training wheels on a bit longer._ She comforted herself. Then she laid back down staring at the ceiling waiting for a peaceful sleep to claim her.

Crits:

Member 1, May 29, 2005
I read this over at LH, so my comments will mostly be about what you changed or maybe what I didn't notice before. Now that we know for sure that it's a dream, though, it takes away a lot of the suspense. I might suggest ditching the dream altogether, because it doesn't make a lot of sense in a lot of respects. Why are her family members the ones abducting her? The inclusion of bike doesn't seem to hold much meaning, besides being a product of the trigger. Dreams usually show something, so make stronger connections between Jenna and her dreams.

Quote:

Jenna’s dad carried her up the stairs and placed her on her bed. “Did you have fun at the amusement park?”

“Yes, Daddy,” Jenna yawned. Jenna said with a yawn? “When can I ride the big roller coaster?”

“Next year when you turn seven, Sweetie.” Her dad pulled the blankets up and tucked them under Jenna’s chin. “Maybe then you'll be tall enough to ride. Don’t forget that tomorrow I’m going to take the training wheels off.”

“Oh yeah,” was the murmured response. It's best just to say "Jenna said" or "Daddy said". I read somewhere (reliable, I hope) that it's always best just to say "said", because the atmosphere and details leading up to that should dictate what the reader imagines their physical and vocal traits are. I don't always follow the rule by the letter, but I think in this case it works better. “Daddy, will they find that girl?”

“What girl, Sweetie?”

“The one in the news that’s missing?(.)”

“Oh, Sweetie, don’t worry about that. I’m sure she’s fine,” her dad tried to assure her. Even though it's not something authors as a whole follow, it's another rule that "he said"s should come after the first line of a dialogue, if you're going to have them at all.

Her dad kissed her on the cheek and walked out of the room(,) turning off the lights. In a matter of moments, Jenna was sound a [seperate] sleep.

Jenna found herself with a gag in her mouth and something covering her eyes. She tried to shout, but the gag was too muffling. She attempted to remove the blindfold, but found her hands were tied behind her back. All she could do was lay there, wherever there was, and wait for her captors to return. A moment later she felt a shift forward{,} (;}wherever she was, it was moving.

There was a sudden stop and Jenna’s bike slide into her back. She wouldn't know it's her bike if she's blindfolded. She quickly moved the bike back so the pedal could not press into her side. She could see that she was in the back of a large van. She heard car doors close and voices from two men. Then the back door opened and she was grabbed by the foot and dragged toward the door. She tried to kick and scream, but it was futile. A man, who reminder her of her cousin, then swung her up so she gut rested on his shoulder. Jenna heard the second man pulling her bike out of the door and then the two men started walking.

When the blindfold came off, Jenna couldn’t believe what she saw. She was on a roller coaster ride and on the track was her pink and purple bike! A man, who reminded her of her uncle, cut the ropes off.

“I’m going to take the gag off. You better not scream. Do you understand?” he showed Jenna a water gun. Kinda anticlimactic. Take away the water gun. Jenna nodded and the gag was removed. “Get on!” This (water gun) is partly why I suggest making it not a dream, and instead have her return to her father somehow. It will be longer that way, but I think it would take away a lot of the problems that are hard to fix here.

Jenna nervously got on the bike. The man joined his buddy and the shepherd dog in the roller coaster car. “Want to see mommy and daddy again, get moving!” Jenna started to push forward on her pedals and the bike started its forward motion.

Jenna made it a few yards and thought about jumping off her bike and climbing down the wooden trellis to safety, but then she heard a creaking sound. She glanced back over her right shoulder and saw that the roller coaster cars were moving. She started to pedal faster and faster. When she stole a backward glace she saw three men laughing at her. She pedaled faster and faster, but the roller coaster cars were catching up. She had no time to jump off her bike and to start climbing. Her heart raced ahead of her not constricted by her slow six-year-old legs.

Jenna went faster and faster, as fast she could go and then it happened. Jenna’s feet slipped off the pedals and she was looking down one of the big plunges! The pedals spun chaotically and she could not get her feet back on them. The bike was out of control as it headed down the plunge and the roller coaster cars were only two yards away! A six-year old generally wouldn't think of things in measurements. Probably more like something along the lines of "The bike shook out of control beneath her as it dipped into the plunge, and yet the coaster cars were coming closer by the second." Despite the training wheels, which her dad was going to take off tomorrow, Jenna felt her bike begin to tip over. She was falling and something hit her..... Actually, maybe you should have the training wheels save her. That gives the line you have later more meaning.

Jenna bolted up, with the cat lying on her legs, and realized that it had all been a dream. No, a nightmare. _I think I’ll tell Dad to keep the training wheels on a bit longer._ She comforted herself with the thought. Then she laid back down staring at the ceiling waiting for a peaceful sleep to claim her and stared at the ceiling, waiting for a peaceful sleep to claim her.


I hope that helps.


Joy, May 30, 2005
Thanks [Member 1], you made some very good remarks.

A couple of qustions if I may?
Was it clear that the little girl was afraid to have the training wheels removed?
How could I make it more clear?

Thanks.


Member 1, June 1, 2005
Afraid? You mean at throughout the story, or just at the end? I got that she was hesitant at the end, but prior to that I got the impression that she was eager to have them off. If you want to make it clear that she's afraid to have them taken off, you could just jump a little into her shoes and say something like,

"...Don't forget that tomorrow I'm going to take the training wheels off."

"Oh yeah," Jenna said, and fell silent. The very thought made her squirm. But she had been putting it off for weeks. You have to face your fears sometime, she reminded herself, albeit a bit unsurely. Daddy's words. Everything would be all right with Daddy there; she was promised.

Member 2, June 2, 2005
Joy, I like the part you added to this but I am still having alot of trouble with that dream. Why is it there? Is it going to help find the missing child, warn her about a danger from her uncle. If it is just a dream about her training wheels it really feels out of place
This story isn't complete. Ask your self "what do you want this story to tell us." in other words tell me the story in two sentences and then see if that is the story that is here.
The style is good, it just needs focus

Making My Presence Known

March 17, 2006

A week ago tonight I logged into Liberty Hall, requested the flash trigger, wrote my story, and submitted it. When I was done I thought I had a pretty solid story, though I didn’t like the content of the story. Though it got good reviews and great votes, I could never send it out. You, see my story is about how a prostitute made it to her street corner. Being Christian, I just can’t put that stuff out there. I even hate to admit it here. Now before you let your minds run wild, let me tell you there is absolutely no profanity in this story (or any of my others) and there were no detailed scenes. I just don’t want my name attached to something like that.

I know, you’re asking yourself why I wrote it then. Well, let me tell you what the trigger was. Last week’s trigger was, “Write a story from the point of view of a character you find morally reprehensible. The character must be fictional and your own invention. Bonus points if you can make the character sympathetic.” I didn’t go for the bonus points, but some felt sorry for her.

Though content wise I didn’t like my story, I thought I would do well in the voting. This crowd loves dark stories and this one is probably the darkest I have ever written. I’m just not into that kind of stuff. I’m really amazed just how well I did do in the voting. I got: 1 for Best Characterization, 1 for Best Narrative Voice, 0 for Best Dialogue, 2 for Best Hook, and 1 for Best Flash.

Those numbers might not look that impressive, but for me they are fantastic! There were five stories in my group (there were three groups total). Three stories received votes for Best Characterization, mine and another tied for second place and the winner got four votes. Again only three stories received votes for Best Narrative Voice and mine tied for second with the winner getting five votes. I did not earn any dialogue votes because my story had no dialogue. For the category of Best Hook four stories received votes, but mine came in second and the winner had three votes. And for the title every one wants, Best Flash, only two stories received votes, mine which got second and the one that won with six votes. The story that won Best Flash, also won three out of the four remaining categories. So, as you can see my little votes weighed in real big this week.

Too bad that can’t happen to a story I can send out.

Liberty Hall Win!

March 9, 2006

The third to the last time I participated at a Liberty Hall flash challenge was the “Fourth of July Challenge.” Well, this one wasn’t their normal timed flash challenge as we were allowed two or three days to write it. But it was also a little more difficult because we had to have 500 words exactly, not 499 and not 501. I wrote a 500 word story titled “A Mother’s Love.” I liked my little story and since then I have given it a polish and submitted it to on of NoteBored’s Polished Stories Challenge. It still needs a polish or two, but one day I will get it out there.

The second to the last time I participated in a Liberty Hall challenge was the end of January. For this I got the trigger and then started a story about learning about my Grandpa Wright’s death. It was summer time and my parents, brother, and I were on vacation in the Boundary Waters of Minnesota. After some quiet time on the lakes, we were to visit with Dad’s uncle for a day or two. Upon arriving at his house, however, we found a note on the door telling us to go to a different address—which we did. There at a stranger’s house, we were told that my grandpa had died and they couldn’t get a hold of to inform us of such. (See there are no telephones way back on those lakes and cell phones—well no one knew what they were back then.) Unable to cry in public, I crawled behind a rocking chair and cried. I was around eight to nine years of age with this occurred. Well, anyway, half way through my story, I realized that I had done it again—I didn’t write a story. I thought it was more of a slice-of-life story, but those who critiqued my “story” said that it was really just a memory piece—which it was.

Should I start this paragraph out the same? Ok, I’ll spare you. The last time I flashed was this past weekend. The trigger was “whispers in the night.” I first thought about a mermaid then I thought about a statue of a lady whispering to a man while he slept. I ended up going with the first thought and I went and went. A flash is a piece of literature that is 1,000 words or less. I have only gone over that amount once by 35 words for a NoteBored flash challenge. Well, this time I was 408 words over and I ran out of time. Not only did I run out of time (we have 90 minutes to get the trigger, think of a story, type it, and submit it), but really ran too long and my story wasn’t complete yet. I was pleased with what I had completed, though I knew I needed to flesh it out (make it longer). This story was my first ever try at fantasy and Dan thinks it is one of my best ones. I personally like some other ones better, but I think this one could have potential.

The funny thing is that those that critiqued my story wanted to know what happened after the kiss, but that wasn’t the story I was telling. So, I can either ignore their wants and write my story or I can write the one they want. Or I guess I could really make it long and write both stories. I have even thought about writing the same story for both point of views—the man’s and the mermaid’s. The one I did for the challenge was from the man’s point of view.

Anyway the reason I’m telling you all of this, besides the title of my blog, is that I won something! It is my first every win at Liberty Hall! There are many great writers who participate in these challenges and several are published authors. One of them has even been published in Orson Scott Card’s magazine, Intergalactic Medicine Show. Not only published, but was the main featured author. Because of the number of entries there were three groups and I won “Best Character Development” in my group. This was my eleventh flash and I was/am so thrilled about my win! I normally get a vote for something—normally dialogue, but I actually won! My name will be on the winners list for all to see.

But at Amazon? Support writers!

March 7, 2006

I know everyone out there is asking for your money. The money you work hard to get. Don’t you just hate it when the phone rings and you drop everything to see who it is, just to find a telemarketer on the phone wanting you to buy something or donate your hard earned money to some organization? Well, I know I sure do. I mean if you wanted what they had, you would call them. Right? At my home we never give money over the phone or buy something.

Do you ever get tried of radio or TV stations asking you to donate your money so they can continue to stay on the air? I know I do. At least this one is a little better then those rotten phone people, because if you hear the consistent cry for donations that means that you are already using their service. Though I don’t like to hear all the talk, I would be more willing to donate money to something I’m already using.

All that said let me ask you, if you could support a cause by just buying things you are going to buy anyway, then would you? As many of you know I am an administrator at the writing site, “The NoteBored.” This site is open to the young as well as the old and for the new writer as well as the established. Though the site’s owner very graciously pays the bills for the web space we are using, there are still bills to pay. We even have a few contests where the winners take home a prize. Amazon.com has a system of donating money to certain sites and we have become one of them.

So, if you already shop at www.amazon.com, would you please go to www.notebored.com, scroll down to the black, white, and orange Amazon box, and make your purchases through our index page. Amazon donates a little percentage of all orders made from them though our index site to The NoteBored. The money earned would go to help paying for the web space and the prizes. Also, we plan to start our own magazine in 2007 and the donated money would go to help paying authors whose stories are published. If you are going to shop at Amazon anyway, wouldn’t you be so kind as to help some writers? We give you our greatest thanks in advance.

I won!

March 2, 2006

I won! I won my first contest at NoteBored. We just finished our Polished Stories Challenge #2, which I actually run, yesterday. I polished a story titled “The Time Magazine.” It was a story I had wrote for a short story challenge with the trigger “Time Magazine.” When I first saw the trigger, I was like, “Yeah, right. How do I write a story about that?” I then went back to house work and what not and then it hit me. Guns have magazines! Why not have a story where people travel in time and the time travel is caused by a gun magazine. I thought it was a splendid idea—I don’t get too many of those. I would have the gun start in the now and have an old man find it and travel in the past. Then the gun would fall into the hands of the girl he meet there and she would travel to the now. The teenager she found would find the gun and travel to the future. The guy in the future would find that gun and... (insert cliff hanger here)

The first step was to find a gun with a magazine, a hand gun with one. So, I zipped off an email to a Marine Captain friend to get guns that would use a magazine. He very graciously sent me a nice long list, but I didn’t know what any of the guns were. So, I went searching on Yahoo for pictures. After I found my gun, I still had research to do.

I had to research some history. I had the idea of using newspapers to show the time period, so I looked up newspapers which would be around in 1845 and then looked for a headline. I found a good one—Florida becoming a state.

Since I’m not a Sci-Fi reader (ok, I have read a couple because my husband wanted me to and they weren’t that bad), I had to try to figure out my future screen. I ended up telling Dan about my story idea, which he liked, and asked him for some pointers for the future. After getting some, I had to picture the future in my head and then write about it.

Anyway, I wrote my story and posted it in the challenge. Everyone thought it was a teriffic take on the trigger and enjoyed my little adventure. What was more fun was everyone’s reaction when they found out it was me! I had never written a piece like that it before; and since really.

Well, I wasn’t going to polish anything up for this challenge, but with so many people entering, I wanted to enter as well. After picking this story, I re-read everyone’s comments and then re-read my story. I fixed the major things and then reprinted the story for another polish. I edit better when I have paper in my hands that I can write on. After another little brush up, I posted it for the challenge.

Once again, I surprised people when they found out that I was the author of the “gun” story. They hadn’t seen it before, being new; and being around long enough to know my stuff—well, it surprised them.

What surprises me is that the lady that owns the writing site says that it is my best story. Go figure! I mean me not being into Sci-Fi and all.

I’ll let it set for a little bit, take another look, and send it out later. So, you won’t be seeing it here on my site. But if you want to join The NoteBored, you can read it there as I’ll be leaving the stories up for another week or two. If you are interested please see my blog post, “By Invitation Only.”

Poem-"Snow Deer"

February 21, 2006


Here is a poem that I wrote for The NoteBored’s poetry challenge. I really hadn’t written any poetry since 10th grade. But I saw the trigger and I came up with a little something. I picked the “vivid memory” trigger. When I was young, I had a dream of a deer made out of snow in my neighbor’s yard. In the my dream the deer awoke and had flaming red eyes and the next thing I knew it was chasing my friend and neighbor around and around her house. The dream scared me because of the intense red eyes. It defiantly left an impression as I have never forgotten it. Since, I have no thoughts of getting it published; I am posting it here for you to read. This was my second attempt in the Poetry Challenge. I’ll have to post my first attempt another day.

Poem Trigger: Write a poem using any or all of the following triggers: some kind of change, a memorable scent, and/or a vivid memory

6 Entries

"Snow Deer"

In the wintry night I sleep;
Prayed the Lord, my soul to keep.
In my sleep I saw a deer;
The image was crystal clear.

The deer was made of snow;
How it’s crimson, red eyes glowed!
The snow deer rose like a mouse;
And chased my friend around her house.

Crits:
Member 1, August 25, 2005
This was cute. It made me chuckle when I read it, especially the last line. Some of the meter was a touch off but it could be fixed very easily.
Quote:
The deer was made of snow
needs one more syllable and
Quote:
and chase my friend around her house
has eight syllables instead of seven but the "and" at the beginning is kind of a pickup, like in music, so it still flows nicely. I think you did a great job. Thank you for sharing.

Member 2, August 26, 2005
A quick, quirky little dream image--I would've liked to see you stay and have some more fun with it. There's a creepy kind of hilarity to it that I thought you could've done a lot with, but some dreams are just an odd little whiff.

Member 3, August 26, 2005
Good job! In twelfth grade, we had the chance to write a sonnet for extra credit, and I remember sitting there going, "How can I take out three syllables from thus stupid line??"! lol! Very hard to do, and you did such a cute job!

Member 4, August 26, 2005
I like this one. It's simple, and fanciful. It makes sense to me, like a dream would make sense while I'm dreaming (most of the time, at least). On second thought, it seems vaguely prophetic, like a mysterious omen of things to come. But reading it as it is, it's still enjoyable. I imagine that doesn't help you much, but I like it and can't find much to say about it, except for the strangeness of picturing a deer rising like a mouse. I'm not sure how a mouse rises.

Member 5, August 27, 2005
This was very cute! I loved the image of glowing red eyes. But it sent me confusing signals. Let me try to explain. There was almost a sinister feeling to this, but the bounce of the rhyme sorta balanced against it. I ended up feeling as though I do when watching a scary movie and someone tells a joke to lighten up the mood. The sinister element is still there, but now buried a tad, and out of reach to talk about, because everyone’s laughing now at the joke and the moment has passed. That's the way this poem made me feel. Why were the eyes red, why was she being chased? There is tension there... but the rhyme, forcing the deer to rhyme with house and giving it the aspect of a mouse, diminished the size of the deer in my mind... lessening the fear and turning it, rather, into a joke. Did that make sense?

Votes:
0 for Best Flow
0 for Best Imagery
0 for Best Overall

Invitation Only

February 20, 2006

To protect their writers the owners of “Liberty Hall” and now “The NoteBored” have an invitational only acceptance.

Why is this done? So, the people already registered there won’t get spam mail. So, we know that those wanting to join are really interested in writing and not causing trouble. Both sites are wonderful little cyber communities and there is a great desire to keep them that way.

You can still look at a few things as a guest, but in order to see most of the sites you will have to become a registered member. In order to do that you will have to be invited or answer questions before you’re allowed.

What this means is:
If you are a member of another writer's group, we would like to have someone from that site to sponsor you by sending an email with a little bit of information about you and your username at that forum.

If you are not a member elsewhere, we will ping-pong some emails back and forth with you, asking you some questions. We might even ask for a writing sample.

Or if someone from the site knows you, we can state as such and get you in.

If you are interested in becoming a registered member at either of theses sites, please just post a comment on the bottom of this letting me know. Also leave a way to contact you. Since I’m an administrator at “The NoteBored” I can help you with this. I’m also known at “Liberty Hall” and can help you get in there.

Story-"The Not So Wise Oracle"

January 21, 2006

So, I’m interested in writing, but you never see any stories posted to my blog. True, very true. Why is that? It is because of publishing rights. If I post a story here on the blog many publishers would classify that as being published and would not accept the story at all. Have you ever been to a writing site and got frustrated about not finding any stories? Well, any good writing site keeps the stories locked away from the public and only members of the site can read them—again its all about publishing rights.

Just to give you an updated taste of my writing I’m going to post here a story I wrote back in May 2005. I wrote this one at Liberty Hall, a writing site, for one of their timed writings. If fact it was only the sixth one I tried. A trigger is posted and everyone is given a password to see the trigger. After receiving the trigger, everyone has 90 minutes to come up with, write, and submit their stories. At one time these challenges were receiving over 30 stories. I haven’t done a challenge at Liberty Hall since July 4, 2005. I’ve been too busy with life and with The NoteBored.

As I post this story, I want to point out that I don’t normally write like this—I mean topic wise. I was tying something new (the essence of learning). I was trying to write something funny. Oh, yeah, the horse thing is a story that a roommate of mine told me, so I used it here (I added the engagement part). Along with my story, I’ll post the trigger we had to use and the comments I received on the story.


Trigger: Instructions: Use the below two words (quodlibet and oracle) to inspire
your flash. You are NOT required to use the actual words in your story.
There are several definitions provided. You may use any of them. Time
period is 1.5 hours.

quodlibet
n.
1.
1. A theological or philosophical issue presented for formal argument or
disputation.
2. Formal disputation of such an issue.

2. Music. A usually humorous medley.

Etymology: Middle English, from Medieval Latin quodlibetum, from Latin
quodlibet, neuter of quilibet any whatever, from qui who, what + libet it
pleases, from libEre to please

oracle
n.

1.
1. A shrine consecrated to the worship and consultation of a prophetic
deity, as that of Apollo at Delphi.
2. A person, such as a priestess, through whom a deity is held to respond
when consulted.
3. The response given through such a medium, often in the form of an
enigmatic statement or allegory.

2.
1. A person considered to be a source of wise counsel or prophetic
opinions.
2. An authoritative or wise statement or prediction.

3. A command or revelation from God.

4. In the Bible, the sanctuary of the Temple.

Etymology: Middle English, from Middle French, from Latin oraculum, from
orare to speak


"The Not so Wise Oracle"

Betty needed a job, any job that would bring in money fast. She didn’t have much of a body, so hooking was out of the question. She was a germ freak so cleaning was also out of the question. Back in college Betty took some vet classes, but soon after ward was attacked by a poodle and has ever since hated all pets. She would rather put to them all to sleep than help them, so obviously she couldn’t do that either. She slouched in her Lazy Boy and pondered just what she could do.

“Oh bother, I wish I hadn’t seen that psychic and bet all that money.” She stated out loud to nobody. “It was really stupid to go to the bookie, too.”

And then it hit her, _I’ll be a psychic. Just how hard could it be? _ So Betty got up and grabbed a notebook and pen to jot down ideas. Then she turned to the Yellow Pages to see the names of her competition._ There’s so many of them._ After a moments pause, _Wait, what was that woman on Matrix called. Oracle! That’s it! _

The a few days later in the local want adds there was a new addition reading: “Need counsel? Call The Oracle, Betty the Wise. 900-BetWise.” Betty sat by the phone willing it to ring. She needed to get that bookie his money. Noon came but the phone never rang. Betty walked to her kitchen to get a light lunch and sat back down by the phone while she ate it. Betty sat there staring at the phone; she stared so hard she thought she saw it vibrating. The chime clock on the wall chimed that it was six o’clock. _Hopefully tomorrow._

The next day Betty was up and at ‘em, hopping that today would go down in history as her first call. The toast just popped out of the toaster when the phone rang. Betty ran for it, dove over the couch, and picked up the receiver. “Oracle, Betty Wise, how may I help you?”

“Oh, yes, um well this is Mark and I was wondering if you give me some advice.”

“Of course I can Mark, that’s what I do is help people in distress.”

“My wife just had a baby, and we are really strapped for money. I was thinking about playing the lottery or buying some stock. Whatcha think?”

“Well, lottery sure is a lure, but stocks are a safer return. Go with the stocks.”

“Ok, Oracle, but which one?”

Betty sat there and thought for a moment. _I don’t know names of any stock._ “Well, Mark, you stated that your wife just had a child. There are hundreds of children born everyday. I suggest you place your money in the diaper stock.”

“The diaper stock, you’re brilliant! I will do that.”

After the credit card information was given, Betty and Mark hung up. Mark went about finding how to invest in diaper stock. He remembered a commercial on the television and he called the number.

“CK’s Brokerage firm, how may I help you?”

“Yes, I would like to buy some shares in the diaper stock,” came the confident reply.

“Diaper stock? Sir, is this some kind of a joke?”

“No. Oracle Betty the Wise told me to.”

The lady on the phone started to laugh and then hung up the phone.

After eating a new set of toast, Betty was once again waiting for the phone to ring. “I think I did a good job with my first customer,” she said out loud to the walls. The hours were slowing clicking by and Betty picked up a book to read. Once again the charm clock chimed six o’clock. _Hopefully there will be more tomorrow._

No calls came in the morning, but finally it rang in the afternoon. Betty dashed out of the bathroom still pulling up her pants and grabbed the phone on its last ring. “Hello, Oracle Betty the Wise, how may I help you?”

Sobbing came over the line, “Hi, I’m....Deborah. My boyfriend asked me to marry him.”

“What’s the problem?”

“Well, he is a very traditional man and I don’t know if he would want to marry me if he knew that I have been with other men.”

“Oh, I see. How many?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Several.”

“And you never told him?”

“No. Oracle, this guy is really great and I didn’t want to lose him. But now, well, if we get married, he will know.”

“Oh, I see. Well you could always tell him that you lost your virginity to a horse.”

“A horse! Man, what are you talking about?” Deborah demanded.

“I knew of a girl once that stated bleeding after riding a fat horse. Her mom took her to a doctor and the doctor told her that she had lost her virginity.”

“Oh. Well, I guess I could try that.”

Betty got Deborah’s credit card information. _That was easy._

After hanging up Deborah called her boyfriend. “Hi, Sweetie. Yes, I will marry you, but there is something I have to tell you. Honey, I lost my virginity to a horse. Honey....Honey...are you there?” Deborah redialed the number, but no one picked up. She tried all day, but he would never pick up the phone.

Over the course of the week, Betty took many calls and helped many people. She thought she was doing an excellent job and she was getting money fast. _I’ll have that bookie paid off by the end of the month, if all goes well._

At the end of her second week as “Oracle, Betty the Wise,” she picked up the newspaper and started to read it. After reading a couple of articles, she decided to look at her add in the want adds. And there beside her own she read, “Don’t call 900-BetWise; she is the dumbest Oracle around.”

There were no more phone calls after that. “Now what? I still a job, a job that will bring in money fast.” The walls in her apartment never answered her back.

Crits:
member 1, May 30, 2005
The main character is a loser to tries to help losers, but fails. The losers she tries to help are such pathetic losers that they actually listen to Betty's moronic advice. There is nothing in this story line to keep me interested, except the fact that I have to review it because it's my group to review. I did find the concept slightly original, and if the characters were more realistic or likeable, I might actually read a story like this. Point-of-view shifts were awkward at first, but by the third one I did see a pattern. Normally, they should be indicated by a "#" or "* * *" paragraph break.
Quote:
Betty walked to her kitchen to get a light lunch and sat back down by the phone while she ate it
I found this sentence amusing - she ate the phone!!! How did she get any more calls??? I also found this story impossible to believe. She needs to keep her clients on the phone a lot longer if she's going to begin to pay for her ad in the paper. At $3.99 a minute, she's earned about $12 so far, and a decent display ad for one week would cost over $100. "Real" phone psychics (a friend of mine was one for about a month) have an elaborate ritual - tarot, i ching, crystal balls, etc.) they go through to summon the spiritual energies necessary for conveying information over the "primitive" phone lines, and take quite a bit of time doing so. But, then again, maybe this is supposed to a parable. If so, perhaps a clear omniscient POV from the beginning might help.

member 2, May 30, 2005
I found that this one had a real tongue in cheek sense of humor about it. Yes, there are some rough spots, and I agree that it is hard to care about the character, but if you work to bring out the humor, and the whimsicality of the character, I think you might be able to pull it off.

member 3, May 30, 2005
I thought this was funny. Rough, yes, but it cracked me up. I'd love to see what this looks like after a serious workover. (and I mean serious - there's a lot of work to do here to make the humor shine.) Is her business model by the minute? Or a flat fee? Maybe she's charging $200 a session or something.

member 4, May 31, 2005
I actually laughed out loud once or twice reading this. I know, it's not terribly believable, but I don't know that it needs to be. It does need a lot of work to smooth it out. To hold up the suspension of disbelief, we do need to know some more detail about how she goes about her new business and expects it to be financially workable. To keep us with it, it might help to be more sympathetic or knowledgable about the MC. The ending could use some work too. The add in the paper could be a lot zingier, and perhaps you could have her start thinking about her next job -- maybe she wants to be a bookie? Or perhaps call another psychic to get advice about her career?

member 5, May 31, 2005
I thought this was a funny story, but agree that it definitely needs some work to let that aspect shine. However, the concept is great (I laughed out loud when she started giving advice to the woman getting married... that was brilliant ). Looking forward to seeing the rewrite on this.

member 6, May 31, 2005
I thought this was funny but underdeveloped. Try getting into Betty's head a little more. The pacing seemed a little too fast for me. Almost felt rushed the entire way through. Also, the ending fell flat. I found myself saying "That's it?" I agree that the ads need to be more catchy. Grammatically, there are serious issues but I'm sure you'll see those on the rewrite. Overall, I liked the humor but agree that this will take some work to polish up. Good luck.

member 7, June 1, 2005
Interesting original concept, but the POV shifts were absolutely dreadful and the grammar left much to be desired. Pretty much everything else has been said.


Votes:
0 for Best Narrative Voice
0 for Best Dialog
0 for Best Flash

Friday, April 07, 2006

TriMo Word Count-8

December 18, 2005

It dawned on me that I never finished giving you all my daily word count for The NoteBored’s TriMo. Though I completed my 50,000 words before Thanksgiving, I haven’t had time to touch it since. Also, for those you have been keeping track, Dan also make his 50,000 words during the one month challenge of NaNoWrMo in November, but it took him to the last day.

16th-44,638 (1,826+)
17th-44,638 (1,270+)
18th-46,105 (2,181+)
19th-46,105 (1,625+)
20th-46,627 (1,591+)
21st-46,627 (1,035+)
22nd-47,389 (1,241+)
23rd-50,100 (3,396+)......Plus, I still had 66 words from one of my two flashes

Breaking the Ribbon (TriMo)

November 24, 2005

Below, is the post I made to "The NoteBored."

*Joy looks around. She’s short of breath. There in the near distance is the yellow ribbon, announcing the finishing line. Though lonely and breathless after her two and half month marathon, she tries one more burst of energy. We can’t believe she is this far already, we didn’t expect anyone to be this close for another two weeks. Here she comes, ten feet, eight, six, four, two, and she breaks the ribbon and finishes her journey!*

*After catching her breath, she goes and gives MCameron, Onepktjoe, TL, Deanna, Lord Darkstorm, DB, Isaiah13, Mrudes, PaulCameron, Pogozorro, Pyxidis, Rhaevyn, RFLong, Silverfoot, and TheoPhileo all hugs for taking a risk and giving the three month marathon a try. After congratulating them all, she crashes to the pavement. Silverfoot throws water upon her face, Deanna gives her some to eat, and of course Pyxidis brings her some cookies.*

Hi, all. I just wanted to share my thrill with you all. I have reached 50,100 words and I still have 66 words from my flash to add. Matt said I’ll beat Minister by 5,000 words. Well, Matt, I beat him by 20,000!

(The * * shows action being done on The NoteBored.)
(Pyxidis is always baking virtual cookies for us to eat while we look over the board.)
(Minister is my husband, Dan.)

TriMo Word Count-7

November 16, 2005


My TriMo is going well. I hope to be at 50,00 words before Thanksgiving. It looks like I’m the only one out of the original 18 that started that is going to make it. My husband has fallen steadily behind on his novel for NaNoWrMo, but is now trying to make up some ground. I guess I better type out my numbers and get back to my novel.

12th-41,333 (745+)
13th-41,936 (792+)
14th-43,146 (1,446+)
15th-43,146 (890+)

Administrator

November 14, 2005

After joining “The NoteBored” on April 21, 2005, I was asked about three to four months ago to be a moderator there. It is nice to have a little place in cyberspace that I fit in at. Being a moderator meant that I helped to set up and run the various writing challenges the board has as well as read the other posts throughout the board. This writing board is a little unusually because it allows children to join and we encourage them to write stories and submit them for comment. I think the youngest we have is an 11 year old. Because of the children (and that the owner is a Christian) we try to keep the site safe.

Last Friday I was asked if I would be interested in a much higher honor—to be added to the list of administrators. I like being a help to my fellow writers, so I asked what it would entailed because I don’t want to be a hindrance. (I’m not a computer genius.) After finding out that I will have access to fix the little things which I already notice needs fixing, I said sure. So, now I am an administrator of “The NoteBored.” As being such, I get to see all the control panels and let’s just say I’m not touching until someone guides me through them.

If you are a writer, a want-to-be-writer, or would like to read and comment on stories of other want-to-be-writers please stop by and take a look. I promise there is no charge. However, in order to read the stories you will have to sign-up and get a user name. But there are no catches. We have people who sign in and just read, and that’s fine. The site is not open to public so as to protect the writer’s writes. If the site was public than we would not be able to submit our works to publishers because many would considered them published already.

You are not too young or too old to join in. Hope to see you around there sometime. My user name there is “Joy.”

"The NoteBored"

TriMo Word Count-6

November 12, 2005

I had an exciting break through last night. Remember that I have been over 7,000 words behind on my novel for “The NoteBored” TriMo? Well, not any more! My more recent numbers are:

9th-37,575 (1,345-)
10th-38,859 (617-)
11th-40,247 (215+)

Did you see it? Did you see the plus sign? Its there, really it is. Not only am I 215 words ahead in my novel now, but I still have that 976 word flash to add in. That makes 1,191 words ahead! Now to keep the pace and beat my husband to 50,000 words.

TriMo Word Count-5

November 9, 2005


I’ve got some good numbers going on for TriMo. It is great incentive to have Dan trying to beat me in novel writing. There is also a guy at “The NoteBored” who is trying to catch up with me, though it doesn’t look like he will. Out of the 16 of us who started this process on September 1st, it looks like I’ll be the only one to reach 50,000 words by the end of the month. And that is even if I get it done. Well, here’s my numbers.

1st-30,432 (4,040-)
2nd-30,432 (4,596-) I wrote a 770 word flash story entry that fit into my novel later
3rd-31,605 (3,979-)
4th-32,523 (3,617-)
5th-34,387 (2,309-)
6th-35,524 (1,728-)
7th-36,104 (1,704-)
8th-36,896 (1,468-)

TriMo Word Count-4

November 1, 2005


Well, October is over and thus completes two of three months of novel writing. The last time I posted my numbers was on the 18th and I was 5,102 words behind. Below are my numbers for the rest of October.

19th-21,586 (5,658-)
20th-21,929 (5,871-)
21st-22,219 (6,137-)
22nd-22,219 (6,693-)
23rd-22,219 (7,779-)
24th-23,587 (6,437-)
25th-24,266 (6,314-)
26th-24,415 (6,721-)
27th-25,958 (5,734-)
28th-26,916 (5,332-)
29th-28,244 (4,560-)
30th-28,891 (4,469-)
31st-29,875 (4,041-)

TriMo Word Count-3

October 15, 2005

Here is my TriMo update:
14th-19,752 (4,712-)
15th-19,752 (5,268-)
16th-19,752 (5,824-)
17th-20,348 (5,784-)
18th-21,586 (5,102-)

Today I actually wrote my first flash challenge for “The NoteBored.” This week’s trigger was a repeat from a few weeks ago. The trigger was “Don’t Quite” or “Never Give Up.” The only story I could think of was a scene from my novel. I didn’t want to write that scene yet, so I tried to come up with another, but nothing else would enter my brain. So, I went and did it. I wrote my flash entry about an upcoming scene in my novel. I wrote that scene in 976 words, so technically I have 22,562 words done and I’m 4,126 words behind. But I won’t count those words until they are actually placed with in my story; mainly because I might have to add or subtract from that number to fit the scene into my novel.

Moderating yet Another

October, 15, 2005

Many writers write with on-line writing sites now. They are a wonderful thing. I have spent time at Liberty Hall, mostly just timed flash challenges. Though I haven’t done one since July 4th, I hope to get back to it when things slow down. Having a timed flash challenge is a wonderful thing. Mike, the owner of the site, gives us 90 minutes to see the trigger, write a story, and then post it. There are so many of us that we now have three groups and we critique the stories round-robin. The writing period is Friday to Sunday and then the writes crit and vote from Monday to Thursday. I have some story ideas I would never have come up with on my own, because of the wide range of triggers. The top winner from each picks the trigger for the next week.

The site that I spend most of time is the Notebored. I am a moderator of this board and there is plenty to keep me busy. Right now I am moderating our TriMo challenge, where several writers are trying to write a 50,000+ word novel in three months; I’m moderating the Polished Stories Challenge, where authors take a rough draft and polish it up; and I have recently been asked to moderate the flash challenge as well, this flash challenge is like the one Liberty Hall runs, but it is not a timed challenge, the author has from Monday to Friday to submit a story.

This sounds like a lot, but it’s not that bad. The TriMo challenge is ending on the last day of November and all I really do is post weekly word counts, so we know how behind we are all. I also read all the other posts to make sure they are appropriate for the young writers on the site. Since all of the writers know they are lurking, they keep it clean so there really is no trouble there. The Polished Stories Challenge runs about 4-6 weeks. I make a post stating that the next challenge is on, inform the authors when they have to have their stories submitted, and then read the comments to make sure everything is running smoothly. I even read the stories and give my own comments. We have only had two Polished Story Challenges so far, the first one had seven stories and the second only had one (mine). So far we have one for this new challenge and I will be resubmitting mine as well. This week the flash challenge only has two stories, I have read one and will get to the other one later.

It sounds like the NoteBored is not a busy place, but it is. There are several other threads to post to. I was only taking about the challenge threads, minus the Poetry Challenge since I don’t moderate that one. Many of the writers at the NoteBored, including me, are trying to write novels so that takes up our writing time. When TriMo is over, I am willing to bet that the other challenges will pick up. Plus, many of our authors are also part of Liberty Hall and its timed flashed challenges.

If there are any writers, no matter how novice, who are following my blog I give you a warm welcome to check us out at the NoteBored. My user name there is “Joy” if you desire to look me up.
NoteBored

TriMo Word Count-2

October 4, 2005

Well, I’m catching up on my novel. Have you ever noticed how easy it is to get behind on something and how much more difficult it is to catch up? I am finally into the section that I had mapped out before writing, so that is helping me quite a bit in my numbers. I am sure that I will reach 50,000 words before I finish the novel.

So far we have had one drop out and one two month writer switch over to the three month list. I think we only have one person who is current on their numbers. Not only did he start college on the 28th, but he has come to a glitch in his story he is tying to iron out. I’ll be surprised if we have five people finish this huge goal. (And I’m not sure I’ll be one of them, though I’m trying.)

Well, here are my numbers:

Sept.
28th-10,672 (4,896-)
29th-12,309 (3,815-)
30th-13,006 (3,674-)

Oct.
1st-13,673 (3,563-)
2nd-14,473 (3,319-)
3rd-15,822 (2,526-)
4th-16,502 (2,402-)

TriMo Word Count

September 19, 2005


So, I started a novel on the 1st. Here is my daily count:
1st-859 (303+)
2nd-1,485 (373+)
3rd-2,058 (390+)
4th-2,426 (202+)
5th-2,426 (354-)
6th-3,419 (83+)
7th-3,419 (473-)
8th-3,861 (587-)
9th-4,263 (741-)
10th-4,679 (881-)
11th-6,203 (87+)
12th-6,864 (192+)
13th-7,556 (328+)
14th-7,556 (228-)
15th-7,556 (784-)
16th-7,556 (1,340-)
17th-7,556 (1,896-)
18th-9,116 (892-)

I have until November 30th to type out 50,000+ words. I’m so glad that I didn’t try NaNoWrMo when people around the nation will be trying to write a novel in a month. I thought about it, but the idea of doing it in three months was brought up, I thought that was a great idea. I really do want to finish this. First, I want to finish it to say that I did. Second, I want to finish it to show my husband that I can.

TriMo

September 2, 2005


Yesterday, myself and 15 others from the NoteBored started to write novels. November is National Novel Writers Month, but some of us were not too sure about writing a novel (50,000 words or more in a month), so based on someone’s suggestion we are holding our own TriMo. Twelve writers are trying to write a novel in three months (thus TriMo). We wanted more time to be able to accomplish such a feet, plus we wanted something that was a little more planned out and better written than something in one month would be. In order to write 50,000 words in three months we have to write 556 words a day. We even had four writers who joined in on TriMo, but they are actually going to try to write a novel in two months, so that they can join the November National Novel Writers Month. Those four will have to write 834 words a day to reach 50,000.

After my little one was down for the night, I started my story. I typed out 859 words. I should have kept going, since my husband arrived home an hour late from work. His store needs more helpers, but the big corporation won’t give them more hours; so things ran late last night. I am writing a story that has been in my head for awhile, but I really struggled last night. See I only know the middle through the end of the story. I was having trouble with the beginning.

I have a story titled “Aftermath of War” that needs one more polish and then I’m going to send it out for publication. It will be the first thing that I have ever sent out. I do hope that I can find a home for it. The only thing I’m waiting for is a critique from one of my friends and then one from my husband. Then I’ll give it the polish and send it out. I’m still not sure where at the moment.

I have started polishing another story, one that I had written for Liberty Hall’s flash challenges. The NoteBored has a Polished Stories Challenge, so I’m preparing this story for that challenge to get feed back. That is what I did for “Aftermath of War.” I took the critiques from the rough draft, polished the story, and submitted it to the Polished Stories Challenge to see if anything else needed to be fixed. There were some minor things. I am hoping to send “A Mother’s Love,” the story I’m polishing now, into the same place that accepts “Aftermath of War.”

My Interest in Writing, Part 3

August 14, 2005


So what happened to my writings after high school graduation?

Well, they got put into college work. I didn’t write anything that I didn’t have to while I was in college. I was just trying to get through it.

What re-kindled my desire?

During my last year of working at A Beka Academy, we had a new staff lady join High School Admissions, my department. I found out that her sister-in-law was expecting. During the pregnancy the doctors realized that the baby had somehow developed three rare diseases and that it would not survive. Well, the mother carried the baby to term and about a week or so later (if memory serves) the baby girl, Amanda, died. Since I was expecting my first little one myself, this story hit home. I started a story entitled, “All Things” based on the above story. I only have 5 chapters done, though that was about four years ago. However, since writing this story, I have become involved in two writing forums the “NoteBored” and “Liberty Hall” and have found out that I have a lot of learning to do yet. So, I will one day have to go back and start my story all over again.

But that was still four years ago, why now?

That’s easy. My husband was working with a local Catholic high school wrestling team last year, well this year too. Last October a top-notch wrestler from a different local Catholic school took his new car, stuffed the muffler, climbed in, and turned the engine on. Since his parents were separated each of them thought their son was with the other parent. The boy was found dead near the school he attended. This event really shook the team that Dan works with for several reasons. One being that the boy worked out with them from time to time. He was picked to be first in the state at his weight, had a new car, his parents were well off financially, the girls loved him, he had many friends, and was a brilliant student (high A average). You know -- the “perfect life” in the eyes of teenagers. No one could understand why a boy with such potentional would take his own life. Dan went to the seeing and the funeral (with over 1,000 people) and all the boys knew that he was there if they wanted to talk. We invited some of the boys over to house for a place to hang. Dan’s friend, who is also a coach, also took it really heard.
Well, as I pondered on these things, I came up with a story that I entitled “Through My Daughter.” I posted this story on two different Christian writing sites and got wonderful comments. I thought I was ready to send it out. But then Dan found NoteBored and I joined that writing site. I posted my “baby” (“Through My Daughter”) for comments and I got hammered.

After that I got involved with Liberty Hall’s timed flashes challenges and the challenges at NoteBored. I am still learning, but it was been rewarding. One day I will go back and fix “Through My Daughter.”

My Interest in Writing, Part 2

August 12, 2005


So, after elementary school, then what?

Well, my seventh grade teacher made us write stories and write in a journal. I loved the journal part (used to do it in elementary school). Other than that I don’t remember writing much.
Eight grade was a different story, most likely because we had a minatory study hall and I had nothing to do. My friends and I would write stories. Mine were all cheesy girl stories, though I loved them. I have searched for these, but can’t find them.
I wrote free verse poetry in ninth and tenth grades. I placed them in a notebook with the title “Poems of the Heart.” Below are a few of my entries:

I will always be a ragdoll;
tossing here, tossing there, tossing everywhere;
no one cares for me or even looks at me;
tossing, turning, turning circles;
landing on my head, feet, or butt;
tossing forward and back;
to and foe;
Always to be like a
ragdoll

#

I am water in a glass bottle;
standing still, waving up and down;
sometimes I’m going to spill out my feelings;
but then someone puts a cork in the bottle;
and I’m stuck in there forever.

#

I am a like a little, lonely kitten.
I wonder the streets by night.
And sleep by days.
One day I came to a fence and I
Saw six other kittens playing together.
Man, I wished I could play with
Them, but that –that fence was just
Too tall to jump over.
So all I could do was sit and watch.
I wasn’t sure if that fence was
Keeping me out or them in.
But I don’t care ‘cause
I wanted to be on the other
Even if that fence was keeping
Them in.
But all I could do was
Sit and watch.

#

The sea
How did it get there, I was once
asked.
And this is how I answered.
You ask me about that sea,
how it got there.
Well, it took a lot of time
a very long time, but now it is finally done.
That sea right there is part
of me.
All the tears from my eyes
made that sea that you see.
The tears came from hurt
a lot of hurt.
And that is how that sea
got there.

#

Some say love is an eagle,
Others say it’s a rose,
Some others say it’s the sunshine;
But who really knows.
To me love is neither of these.
Love is heartbreak, pain, and sorrow.
Why do people love?
Don’t they know it will only bring them hardships?
If they do, why do the risk their hearts?
What is so special about love, anyway?
Love..heartache, pain, and sorrow.


I also wrote a few stories while in these grades. I had dreams of being an author (though not a poet). One of the stories that I worked on, and gave it two re-writes was “Servant Girl Ann.”

“Servant Girl Ann” (3rd version, with the going to be made corrections.)

Far, far away there lived a servant girl named Ann. Ann had long, thick, black hair that was as black as a dark night with no stars and moon. Her eyes were bluer than the bluest sea. Ann was so beautiful it was hard to believe that she was a servant girl. In a matter of fact, one quick glance at her and one would be in love.

Ann was liked by all the guys, but she was only interested in a guy named Charles. Charles was a very handsome prince. Now, Ann knew that she couldn’t love a prince, for it was against the law of the king. Charles has to marry a princess, not a servant girl.

Charles was tall with dark, black hair, and puppy brown eyes. A lot of ladies loved Charles. Whenever he had a ball to find a lady that he could love, princess came from far to near with hopes that he would fall in love with her. Ann wished to go, but again it was against the law of the king and if she did go, she would be put to death.

Once a week she worked in the palace. Her boss owed the king money, so she had to work for the king to help pay for their debt. That is how she meet Charles. When Charles first saw her, he fell in love with her, because he thought she was a princess. When he found out that she was a servant, he became very sad.

Charles’s sister, Treasa, couldn’t stand Ann, because she was prettier than her. One day Treasa yelled, “You’re supposed to be ulgy like a rotten, dirtty servant girl, not as pretty as princess!” Then she messed up Ann’s hair and throw things at her. Now, Ann didn’t do nothing for she was a servant and she had to put up with it.

Charles over heard all of this going on and he yelled, “Treasa! Quit this! Don’t you do enough to this servant girl?! She does more things for you in one day than all your servants do for you in a week!”

Charles took Anna and helped her get her long, black hair back in order. He told Ann that he was sorry about Treasa and without thinking, gave Ann a kiss. This was unusual for a prince and Ann didn’t know what to do. If anyone had seen them kissing, Charles would have been in trouble and Ann put to death. Charles realized what he had done and told Ann that he was sorry. Ann was so shocked that all she could do was smile.

Charles went to talk to his father, King James the fourth. Charles asked him, “Dad, lets say that I really loved a beautiful girl that wasn’t royalty and I told you that I wanted to marry here, what would do about it?”

King James the forth answered him by saying, “Now, son you know that you can’t marry any girl, if she’s not a princess. You can’t put shame to the family name. But, I suppose if you really want to marry her you can.”

“Thank-you, Dad, thank-you!” exclamed Charles.

King James the fourth then said, “If you wish not to be a part of this family.”

Charles budged in before his father could finish what he was saying. Charles was upset with his father, because he loved Ann very much. Charles said to his father, “I wish to have the servant girl Ann to serve me instead of Treasa. Treasa is much to mean. She throws things at her and yells at her all the time. Ann does more tings for Treasa than her other servants do for her in a week.”

King James answered, “This servant girl Ann, is she the one you wish to marry?”

“No, no, sir,” lied Charles to his father.

“Than it is done, Ann shall serve under you. Send your sister, so that she me know.”

Wednessday came, the day that Ann comes to the palace. When she came in the huge door, Charles was there to meet her. He told Ann, “Servant girl Ann, you are to work for me know, not Treasa.”

Ann questioned Charles, “Why, sir?”

“Because, Treasa was much to hard on you.”

Charles handed Ann a list of things to do. Ann read it and it said: change and make the bed; dust my room; polish my crown and sward; wash, dry, and then put away my clothes; vacuum my floor; and empty the trash. Ann looked up and asked Charles, “Sir, when do you wish me to be done?”

Charles smiled and answered, “By the end of the day.” Ann was shocked for if it was Treasa, she would have to have this all done in two hours sharp.

“Thank-you, sir, thank-you! You are so kind, sir!” exlamed Ann and then hurried off to go to work.

First, Ann washed the clothes and then put them out to dry. Then, she took out the trash and dusted around the room. Ann than went to go change and make the bed. She took the sheets and the blanket down to the basement to wash, even though she did not have to. Ann was done with this by 12:30 and she went to the kitchen to get some lunch. After lunch, Ann went to polish Charles’s crown and sword. By the time she was done with all of that, Charles’s clothes, the sheets, and the blankets were dry, so Ann took them up to his room to put them all away. After all of her work was done, she asked a servant boy where Charles was and he told her that he was at the pool.

Ann went to the pool building to find Charles. When she walked in, he was swimming. Ann walked to the edge of the pool and Charles swam up to her. When he got there she told him, “I did everything you told me to do, sir, and I even washed the sheets and blankets off your bed.”

Charles jumped out of the pool and said, “Good, Ann, let’s go see how you did.”

The two of them went to the palace. Charles looked at everything that Ann had done then he looked at her and said, “You have done a wonderful job.” Treasa never told Ann that, even though she had worked hard to please her. “When do you have to be home?” finished Charles as he inrtupted her thoughts.

“Before dark,” Ann answered.

“Do you want to go for a swim? If you do put this on at the pool in the changing room.”

Charles and Ann went back to the pool. They had a lot of fun swimming and goofing around together. Ann was enjoying herself, but yet she wondered what was going on, for she wasn’t supposed to be having fun. She even thought that Charles loved her, because of the kiss, her working for him, and now thier swimming together.

Two months had passed and spring had came. Charles and Ann were coming closer together. One day they snock out to go for a horse ride through the woods. The woods were so beautiful! Big, green leaved trees tat reached for the bright, blue sky. There was green, carpet-looking grass under the horses’ hooves with yellow, white, and purple wildflowers spread about. The sunrays were shinning through the branches and it looked like a fairytale. They also heard the many cheerful song birds singing thier own song.

After awhile, Charles and Ann got off thier horses and walked hand-in-hand for awhile. When they got back from walking, Charles took Ann in his strong arms and gave her a kiss. Charles realized what he had done and what been going on and he told Ann that he was sorry for the kiss and everything that had been gong on. Really, Charles had been enjoying himself, but he cared too much for Ann to get her in trouble. Ann said that it was o.k. The Charles told Ann, “Next week you will have to do more work, like you’re supposed to do, servant girl.”

And replied, “Yes, sir, of course, sir.”

Ann went home and talked to her mother. She told her mother, “Mom why do I have to a servant girl? I love Charles and I thought that he loved me. He has kissed me two times, saved me from Treasa, asked me to go swimming with him, and we ride horses and talk to each other. It’s not fair.”

Ann’s mother told her, “I have a secret for you, Annea. You are a princess. Your father came to us and gave you to us so that you might live. The next day your family was killed.”

“You mean that you’re not my mother and father? I’m not a servant girl? I’m a princess?”

“Yes, dear, that’s right.”

“How can I prove that?”

“I’m not sure.”

When Wednessday came, Ann was really happy. When she got to the palace, she went to see King James the fourth. “Your hiness, I have some news to tell you. My father, King Michael the sixth, and my mother, Queen Annea Louise, was threated by a wicked king and his black knight. They and myself were going to be killed. Since, I was their only child, my father brought me to my new parents so that I might live. The next day they were killed. My real name is Annea, after my mother’s name, but it was shortened to Ann,” Annea bravely told the king. Then King James called Annea a lier and brought in the guards to take her away.

Charles over heard what happened and rushed to see his father. “How could you do that. Maybe she is a princess. You know what happened to King Michael and Queen Annea Louise. You also know that there was a daughter missing, because the body was not there with it’s parents. I have heard you talking about it and you even said that you would like to find the daughter. And now you do this? Please, Father, give her the test and let’s find out,” begged Charles.

“If it be you wish, son.”

That day the king’s servants brought all the mattresses that they could find. Then, they put one down and put a small, fresh green pea on it. After that, they stacked the rest on top of each other. When night came, Annea had to crawl all the way up to the top that reached about 60 to 65 feet in the air. Annea was not told about the pea, but she never liked peas. All night she tossed and turned and she thought that she would be a reck by morning. The night passes so slow for Annea that it seemed that it had been two days.

In the morning the sun was shinning bright and Annea climbed back down to find out what was the purpose of all of that. King James the fourth asked her, “Annea did you get any sleep?” It was kind of a dumb question, because just by looking at her one could tell that she hadn’t.

“No, your hiness, I didn’t. I had the worst night in my life,” Annea told the king.

Charles ran up to her, grabbed her in his arms, kissed her, and then he told her, “Wonderful, Annea!”

King James told Annea, “You are truly a princess and you may marry my son, Charles. I have looking for you for a long time. I don’t know what your mother told you, but your father and I were close friends. Two years after my son, Charles, was born, you were born and your father and I agreed to have you two married. Charles didn’t even know about that. I’m sorry that I ever doubted your story.”

Charles and Annea had a great big wedding. The people were happy to see their last king’s missing daughter. Treasa even became close friends with Annea and told her that she was sorry for being so hard on her. Annea’s mother and father got to live in the palace, for taking care of her. Probably the only people that were not happy for them were the other princess, because they wanted him to marry herself. Charles and Annea lived a long and happy life together. True love is truely wonderful.

(I typed this out as it appeared on the sheets of paper that I found a few months ago.)


During the last two years of high school I didn’t really write anything. So, what has re-kindled my interest? Come back and read part 3.

eXTReMe Tracker